


Believer

by minzimpression



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Groundhog Day inspired, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Pre-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, The Force, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-03-11 06:23:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minzimpression/pseuds/minzimpression
Summary: Kylo is questioning himself and the Force. Especially the Force. The Force's answer to his questions and doubts is harsh. Reliving the same day does not solve anything. Or so he thinks.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been working on this thing since summer 2017. It wouldn't leave me alone, even when _I_ left it alone.  
>  All the planning drove me insane. I hope the work pays off and all will make sense in the end. Enjoy.

Kylo jolted out of his trance at the same time the _Finalizer_ jumped out of hyperspace. He could feel the hyperdrive break and wondered how they made it here in one piece. What an uncharacteristically risky move from Hux.

The once-proud battlecruiser had taken a severe hit when Starkiller had exploded. It almost hadn’t managed to jump into hyperspace when the planet had imploded, crumpling in on itself and pulling the _Finalizer_ back. According to General Hux, they did manage the jump, though, and made it barely to the safe haven of the Unknown Regions. Kylo wouldn’t know. He’d been unconscious when that had happened.

He’d been in such a bad state, Hux had told him, that Supreme Leader had decided to postpone his training because Kylo was _useless, weak_ in this state. And that was the last time he’d heard from Supreme Leader. Via _Hux_.

It had been crushing—bone-crushing even—to wake up after two days in the bacta tank only to have Hux deliver this message to him. Hux hadn’t looked amused at the prospect of harboring Kylo even longer on his ship. Surely, he’d been looking forward to dumping Kylo on the _Supermacy_ and hoping he’d die during the completion of his training. But neither of them could say anything against Supreme Leader’s orders and while they’d drifted through the Unknown Regions, Kylo had been holed up in his quarters, trying to gain his strength back and feeling disconnected from the Force. He hadn’t been there when Hux had reached out and communicated with some of the pro-First Order planets in the Outer Rim, hadn’t been there when Hux had tried to keep everything together: the crew, the crew’s morale, the ship. According to Hux, Kylo had just sulked in his quarters and wasted the recycled air.

Kylo had told himself that he didn’t give a shit about Hux’s constant nagging. Eventually, Hux had left him alone after a few cycles because Kylo hadn’t bothered to answer to all of Hux’s needling and complaining. Kylo had just concentrated on getting back into shape and ignoring the constant pull from his new scars. Hux had only approached him again once. Three cycles ago, he’d told him that the ship desperately needed repairs and that they couldn’t reach this goal in the Unknown Regions. Eriadu had answered Hux’s calls. The First Order and its Starkiller had sent the galaxy into a leaderless chaotic system. The whole government had vanished when the Hosnian system had been destroyed. Eriadu, having been pro-Imperial for many years, and always only _neutral_ in the New Republic, had offered their shipyard for the _Finalizer’s_ repairs. They were one of the first to acknowledge that the galaxy belonged to the First Order now. And Hux had risked everything for the jump to the planet.

When Hux had told him that, he’d looked like he’d bitten into several sour citrus fruits, and Kylo had almost asked what Eriadu wanted in return. They _had_ taken a severe hit and needed the help of rich planets.

Kylo had kept mum, only nodding, and Hux had turned around and left his quarters as quickly as he’d come.

Kylo got up from the floor, his knees aching as his feet and calves suddenly filled with blood again. He had never learned to ignore that part of sitting still for hours—or sometimes cycles. The numb limbs, bursting bladder, growling stomach.

_Weak_ , Snoke would always say when he could sense this.

_Human_ , Ben’s old teacher would always say.

Kylo shook his head, as if he could get rid of these thoughts by that motion. So many years, and still he hadn’t forgotten one day of his first education: the lesser one; the fake one. He stumbled into the refresher and avoided looking into the mirror. He sighed in relief when he used the toilet, and had to support himself with one hand on the bulkhead because his legs were still tingling with pins and needles. And now they were also shaking. He grunted, shed his trousers and underwear, and typed in a command into the nearby console, alerting the kitchen droids that he needed nourishment. He frowned when the big bold letters _D E N I E D_ greeted him. Probably a present from Hux because Kylo didn’t care about what they were doing after the fall of Starkiller.

Well.

He shuffled under the shower and punched the _water_ button.

Nothing happened.

He wondered if this was another order from Hux, or if the water recycling had turned shit, too, and these were some of the new regulations Hux had been talking about...whenever. In the past. During the time he’d listed what was broken in the flagship.

Kylo was in the mood to break his whole refresher, but he felt too weak to even feel the Force flowing correctly; so, instead he just punched the _sonic_ button and closed his eyes when the sonic pulse vibrations were doing their work. The longer he stood under the shower, the more he could feel himself getting frustrated again. His body may have healed by now, but his mind was as jumbled as ever since Starkiller had fallen, since the scavenger had escaped, since... 

The scar on his shoulder tingled and Kylo scratched over it with his fingernails. The resulting ache was welcome, but not enough. So, he let go of it and his hands fell to his sides. He stood there, in the shower, feeling useless. He felt like his skin was too tight, his mind too small. He reached out to the Force, asking a big _Why?_ All he got for an answer was a steady hum. Not really a hum—he never knew how to describe it. It was probably impossible to explain to those who didn’t experience it.

Hux, for example.

Kylo smirked slightly, but the corners of his mouth went down almost immediately again. He wondered how high the priority for repairing the water recycling system was. Knowing Hux, he’d put it on the top of his list. But certainly not for showering. Kylo turned around in the shower cubicle and looked out of the small viewport of the refresher. Even the transparisteel looked a bit cracked; but that was just his dramatic imagination. He could see the lights of Eriadu City. It was night there, billions of lights illuminating that part of the planet. The prospect of having to go planetside for a normal shower already sounded tiring.

_Everything_ sounded tiring now: just getting up to meditate or train; just reaching the physical and mental states in which Supreme Leader wanted him to be. It was exhausting and dreadful, and Kylo shouldn't think like that.

The ‘fresher beeped, indicating that the sonic was done. Kylo pushed the button again, but it wouldn’t restart. He rolled his eyes and took a deep breath because it wouldn’t do to trash his ‘fresher now. Repairing one’s ‘fresher, even if it was the ‘fresher of the co-commander, wasn’t top priority for the technicians. Kylo _could_ persuade them with the Force, but just the thought felt so exhausting again. So, he accepted his fate, got out of the cubicle and brushed his teeth, sighing when only a small trickle of water came out of the tap.

He got dressed in his bedroom, not even having the energy for securing his cape on his shoulders. The _Finalizer_ jolted again. He looked out of the viewport and could see that they had docked at a dock of the Eriadu shipyard. Little shuttles and droids were already swarming, and Lieutenant Mitaka’s voice crackled through the ship-wide speaker system.

_”ETA for shuttles down to Eriadu City is thirty minutes. Please check your status on your comms.”_

Kylo suddenly remembered something important from all the babbling Hux had done during the past cycles. Most of the officers and elite troopers would remain onboard while the normal troopers would be stationed planetside.

Right: labor in exchange for repairs. And to earn particular favoritism when the First Order took over the galaxy—officially—which would be soon enough.

Two troopers jumped out of his way when Kylo left his quarters, his helmet in place and so stifling that it almost felt like choking. Still, he left it on, and stalked through the various corridors of the _Finalizer_ until he reached the bridge. Hux stood at his usual control station, and next to him was a woman in typical Eriaduan clothes. Hux looked annoyed, which lifted Kylo’s mood immediately. He saw Hux notice him as he looked over the woman’s shoulder, but Hux ignored him in favor of listening to the woman. She had a datapad in her hands and didn’t seem like she was in need of breathing between her sentences. Kylo came closer and reached out to her mind. Again, it was dreadfully tiring to even do this, and when he scanned the thoughts on the surface (smugness, determination, pride), he realized that his must be the senator of the planet.

When he came to stop next to the woman, Hux finally acknowledged him, and the woman also stopped talking. She looked at him curiously. Kylo registered how uncomfortable she was with his mask. He straightened his back, gaining another inch of height on her, and she leaned away. But she caught herself and bounced back immediately, raising her chin. She looked him up and down, and her surface emotions changed to something heated, but he didn’t care about them. There was a huff from his left. When he turned to Hux, Hux’s expression was neutral; he looked like he couldn’t care less that Kylo was here. It was his usual face around Kylo: ignorant and annoyed.

“Senator,” Hux said, his Basic a bit sharper than usual. Everything was sharper with Hux when he was meeting high-ranking officials, be it from the First Order or elsewhere. For a second Kylo wondered how Hux would talk to General Organa. Strangely enough, Kylo suspected that Hux would talk to her with the necessary respect. Hux continued, “This is Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren. He’s my co-commander and answers to Supreme Leader Snoke.”

The woman stared. Her white makeup stirred something uncomfortable in the depths of Kylo’s mind: old holorecords of another senator altogether. Kylo usually had a good grip on these memories, but since the fall of Starkiller, nothing was easy anymore.

“Yes, I’ve heard of him. Greetings, Master Ren. I am Dana Kynnie, representing Eriadu. I am your official liaison while your marvelous ship is being repaired here.”

Her eyes darkened when she said _liaison_ , and her body language shifted. If Kylo had the energy for it, he would find out what she was trying to tell him; but he ignored her outstretched hand and turned to Hux instead. Hux looked annoyed again.

“Senator Kynnie will indeed be our primary point of _communication_. She’s the one who granted us the spot at the spaceport, and it’s possible that after further negations we might build our new battlecruisers here. That, of course, being in the case that the _Finalizer_ ’s repair costs explode and building a new one would be more cost-efficient. I already told you about that. But you will receive a detailed report on your datapad later today.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Kylo said dryly. There was a snort from his right and he could feel Kynnie’s amusement radiating.

She stared at him, or rather his mask, thinking for a second before she said, “You know what? I don’t like all these stiff, official things. I am hereby inviting you and General Hux to my estate tomorrow. Say, for lunch. I’d love to show you the evening soirées of Eriadu, but I’m in the midst of my campaign and all of my evenings are booked.”

So, granting the First Order the use of the shipyard and actively helping them was not only taking a side, but also an attempt to gain the votes from pre-Republic times, it seemed. Clever. Kylo tilted his head, wondering if he should delve deeper into her mind.

“Of course,” Kynnie said, “if the general is too busy, I’m happy to host just you, Master Ren. I’m _very_ interested in the Force. Did you know the great Tarkin hailed from here? He worked together with Darth Vader, did he not?”

Before Kylo could answer, Hux interrupted them: “Lunch sounds acceptable. Face-to-face negotiations are preferred. I shall put together numbers and tasks in detail, and we can talk about further payment tomorrow.”

The senator turned to Hux then, pressed her lips together, and nodded. “Very well. I expect the both of you to come. 12:00 on the dot. I’m afraid I must go now. Welcome to Eriadu.”

She nodded at Hux, then at Kylo, and left. A protocol droid and security droid, which had been waiting not far away, followed her. Kylo watched her leave. He reached out now, trying to decipher what she was thinking without being detected, but once again this task just was too much.

His face scar tingled and he suppressed the urge to reach up. He had his helmet on anyway, and would not take it off here, just to bare his face and show everyone how the scar still bothered him.

“Came out of your cave, Ren?” Hux asked, his eyes glued to his datapad as he typed away. Kylo turned his head and, somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a neat and sassy comeback; but today was not the day to exploit the last bits of humor Ben had possessed.

“You’re calling quarters that were designed by your precious Order _caves_ ,” he growled. “Do you even listen to yourself?” 

Hux didn’t react visibly, he just sent off a message and tucked the datapad under his arm. He looked at Kylo then, and Kylo wondered when _annoyed_ had become his standard expression instead of the outright _hatred_ he had sported during the beginning of their co-commandership.

“Do you need something, Ren, or can I actually continue taking care of my ship?” Hux asked.  
Kylo shrugged. He leaned closer, so his helmet was almost touching Hux’s nose. To his credit, Hux didn’t lean back. He stayed where he was and stared exactly at the point on the visor behind which Kylo’s eyes were hidden.

“The water,” Kylo said. “I can’t take a water shower.”

Hux rolled his eyes and stepped away, turning to a console and typing something in.

“Nobody can. Sonic will have to do. There’s only access via the sinks and for the galley. I told you about it. If you’re so keen on indulging in your Endor Cosmetics conditioner, you’ll have to go planetside. I’m more worried about the hyperdrive.”

“Where do you even want to go?” Kylo asked, scoffing. “Supreme Leader didn’t leave any orders.” It still hurt, admitting this. Kylo felt like he was floundering in space, left behind by his master and the Force.

Hux’s face flashed with something that Kylo couldn’t identify. This time, he reached out with the Force, but he couldn’t even read Hux’s surface thoughts. He didn’t know where Hux had learned to have such an iron grip on his mind, but he was better equipped with that than some Force-users. If Kylo weren’t so sure that Hux was an absolute Force-null, he’d be concerned.

“Leave me be and let me do my job, Ren,” Hux snapped. “You’re useless. I don’t care if you decide to stay on the ship or visit Eriadu, as long as you don’t disturb me on the bridge. If there’s nothing of importance you want to talk about, leave.”

Kylo moved the fingers of his right hand. His gloves felt too tight. The Force tickled his fingers. He had never harmed Hux with the Force before, but it was tempting right now.

_Useless_.

Hux’s gaze darted down to Kylo’s hand, which was curled into a tight fist. He pursed his lips and looked back at the console again.

Kylo didn’t do anything. He just turned on the spot and left the bridge again. He made a beeline for the mess hall, forced food out of a kitchen droid that was cleaning up, and walked back to his quarters to hide again. He took a relieved breath when he took off the helmet, and tossed it onto his bed. His upper layers followed, so he was in only trousers again. Eating quickly, he wondered if he should indeed take his command shuttle and look for a quiet spot on Eriadu to meditate until the _Finalizer_ was ready to leave again. He decided to take a nap first, a nap that lasted until 19:23 hours.

He jerked out of his sleep and groaned because of the headache that woke him. He stretched, touched his temples with his fingers, and took a deep breath. The Force was once again not a big help in easing his ache. He grumbled and buried his face in the pillow. It felt like a kriffing sore muscle. He hadn’t really used the Force since Starkiller and now it felt like the easiest tasks drained him completely. He winced when he reached out and let his mind roam across the halls of the _Finalizer_. The tension in his head subsided and he noticed that thousands of minds had indeed left for Eriadu during the last hours. Almost all troopers were gone, Kylo only felt feedback from the stationed officers and some elite troopers. The intelligent, quietly humming minds of the officers had an orderly effect. It was quite soothing, having the feedback of such collected thoughts. He suddenly knew that he couldn’t fly to Eriadu. Whatever was wrong with the connection between him and the Force, it would only escalate when he was confronted with billions of minds. He should stay on the _Finalizer_ for the time being.

His comm was blinking. He reached out with his hand and grunted when it flew into his palm from the bedside table. At least the Force hadn’t left him completely. He just felt like a 10-year-old padawan, struggling with it.

The message was from Hux, demanding to meet him for breakfast at 0800 hours the next day to discuss the planetside visit tomorrow. Their shuttle would leave at 1115 hours for the senator’s estate. Hux estimated that they’d be there for the whole day and attached exactly twenty-seven orders for Kylo: how to behave, what to talk about with her. Kylo sneered because Hux thought he could give him orders about how to talk to politicians; he was pretty sure he could do that better than prissy Hux.

(Not that he’d ever admit that, because that would mean that he would have to think about the person who taught him those things.)

Maybe Supreme Leader would approve if Kylo actually tried to be an actual co-commander. Maybe his radio silence was a test: a test for Kylo to not only rely on the Force, but also prove that he was capable of different things.

Or maybe all of this was a big pile of bantha shit and Kylo would feel disconnected from everything forever. Even more so than before.

Sighing, he rolled on his right side, wincing when there was too much pressure on his sliced-but-healed arm. It was still tender. He tried to get food delivered to his quarters again, but it was denied once again. In truth, he wasn’t even that hungry. He’d just asked for food because it was the right thing to do. But getting up, getting dressed, and walking to the mess hall sounded dreadful. So, Kylo stayed where he was. His comm was still in his hands, the screen darkening. He had no idea how long he lay there in the dark, lights at ten percent, but at some point, he’d made the effort to roll onto his back, comm forgotten. Staring up at the overhead, he took a few very deep breaths and tried to reconnect with the Force. Of course, he wasn’t _disconnected_ ; no. But he still couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong. Why was it that it sometimes felt like the Force itself fizzled out right under his fingertips, or why was it that diving into a mind without being detected felt like running the stairs of…of a long forgotten school? It was useless and exhausting.

He tried the usual things: emptying his mind of irritating thoughts, and reaching out so far that he could brush over the humming minds of the stationed officers here; concentrating on everything and nothing; looking for one mind—just one to latch on to and practice.

There.

A calm and collected mind, concrete mental walls so Kylo couldn’t go through. But there on the surface was one thought. One perfect, calm thought, as if the wearer only allowed himself this thought.

Rain.

Rain?

Yes, rain. Fat drops of rain, pouring down a viewport. This mind thought of cool, heavy rain as a…mechanism to calm down? Was it rain from a memory? There, a memory of rain sliding down a pale hand; a calming effect and—

_Get out of my head at once, Ren._

Kylo snapped back and hated that he was so bad at this now that someone like Hux could feel the intrusion immediately. He should call himself lucky that there weren’t any important interrogations where his _finesse_ was needed. He’d embarrass himself in front of everyone.

Eventually, Kylo did what he always did when he was too stressed out and didn’t want to deal. (Or at least his coping mechanism when Supreme Leader wasn’t close.)

He closed his eyes, his mind wandering far, far away, back into his head, his memories. Locked away, hidden from his master, but not forgotten.

A hairbrush in his hands; long, brown hair between his small and clumsy fingers, and a soft laugh. The scent of the woods of Endor, mixed with the endless sunshine of Tatooine.

Kylo fell asleep.

* * *

When his comm woke him up at 0630, Kylo’s first reaction was to grab it and throw it away. Unfortunately, he didn’t manage to throw it away far enough, and it landed on the corner of his bed. Still blaring the alarm. Still annoying. He tried to turn it off with the Force and… nothing.

Kylo bit his lip and reached out. He took it into his left hand, swiped his thumb, and the comm went silent. The lights still were at thirty-five percent. He had fallen asleep and slept soundly through his quarters being illuminated. Usually, he preferred complete darkness to sleep, but recently he just didn’t care. He was pretty sure that he could sleep soundly through the bright suns of Tatooine rising without waking up.

Staring at the ceiling, he didn’t do anything for a while. He ignored his headache and his bladder for exactly fifty-two minutes until he finally got up to use the ‘fresher. This time, he did look into the mirror, but he looked away almost immediately. Since the _incident_ he was afraid that Ben would stare back at him.

_You’re so afraid, Kylo Ren. Get rid of this emotion at once_.

He practically could hear his master’s words hissing in his mind, but it was just a memory. He wasn’t here. He was far away; Kylo had no idea where exactly. But he wasn’t in the Outer Rim territories. Even with his weird grasp on the Force right now, Supreme Leader Snoke being close was something he _would_ feel.

For a second, Kylo considered ditching Hux and their _appointment_. He didn’t feel like going planetside. He knew Hux would probably leave without him if he didn’t show up. Maybe he even would be relieved. And Kylo felt a small form of satisfaction just thinking about Hux having to explain to the senator why he came alone.

He looked into the mirror again and reached up to touch the scar on his cheek. He couldn’t feel anything when he touched the spot between his eyebrows and somehow it annoyed him. _Everything_ annoyed him.

Force, he felt like he was fourteen again, upset by everything and dealing with these emotions by lashing out with the Force.

He’d very much like to do that now, but he had an inkling that it wouldn’t work out now. His grasp on the Force today felt worse than ever.

“When you fell, did you take it with you?” He whispered, staring at his reflection. He listened in. Listened into the darkness, into the void that felt like a comfort most of the time, but now —

“Stupid,” Kylo muttered and got rid of his trousers and pants to take another sonic. He’d only do Hux a favor if he didn’t show up, he decided. And thinking about being holed up in here again, failing at meditating and everything else was something he just didn’t want to deal with today.

And for once, being _actually helpful_ , as the general would state it, maybe would bring him to master’s good graces.

_Or maybe you could use some company._

Kylo sneered and punched the button for the sonic; he didn’t know why this thought had come to him in such a familiar voice, and it made his whole body ache. He closed his eyes and wished for real, steaming, hot water.

He suddenly missed the natural hot springs of Starkiller. He hadn’t used them often, but it was a fond memory.

Smiling bitterly, he shook his head and tried to make the best out of the short sonic shower experience.

* * *

“You’re late.”

Hux didn’t even look up from his datapad as he took another spoonful of the grey, mixed substance. Kylo never bothered to ask what it was; he left that out of his diet plan anyway. It looked too disgusting to eat.

“Five minutes,” he replied, and sat down opposite of Hux. Hux still didn’t look at him, just scrolled through the datapad and ate this…slime.

“Eight,” Hux corrected him and finally looked up. He looked tired. He always looked tired, but now he looked downright exhausted. The fall of Starkiller didn’t suit him well. Before he could finish that thought, Hux continued being his usual, charming self. “I don’t think I remember one occasion you’ve been punctual. You’re even always harried-looking for Supreme Leader’s audiences.”

“Been watching me for a while, huh?” Kylo asked, and pulled off his helmet. He unconsciously brushed his hair over the right side of his face and started to peel the delicious looking orange he’d pried out of the hands of a kitchen droid. He hadn’t eaten his favorite fruit in so long. He’d forgotten that one part of Eriadu was exporting their oranges almost as much as the famous Eriaduan Lommite.

Hux ignored his quip and looked at the two oranges on Kylo’s plate instead.

“Where did you get this? These are being loaded onto the ship as we speak. The kitchen and supplies are being refilled. And these fruits are reserved for special occasions.”

“Like what?” Kylo asked, popping the first piece into his mouth and enjoying the taste of the sweet juice more than he’d like to admit. “Or rather, for whom? We’re going to be stuck here for a while. Might as well enjoy it while we can.”

“That is such a _Republican_ thing to say. I’m losing my appetite,” Hux told him,, and Kylo almost laughed because it was kind of hilarious how Hux always was so disgusted by his upbringing. Sometimes, Kylo wondered if it was a bit of jealousy, too. He knew that Hux didn’t touch sweet fruits like that, as if he was afraid they were drenched with poison. Almost as if he didn’t know what to do with them—as if he’d never had them.

“You wanted to talk about the day with me, so here I am. Don’t bring up a past from someone who doesn’t exist anymore,” Kylo told him and took the big pot of caf that stood on the table between them. He poured himself a cup and deliberately ignored Hux’s empty cup. He put the pot away and dumped a lot of the artificial sweetener into his caf. He could see Hux pursing his lips, ignored it, and took a sip of the hot caf.

“I just wanted to go through the rules,” Hux said as ate the rest of his breakfast. Kylo watched him lick whatever he was eating from his upper lip. He then used one of the disposable napkins to dab his lips, before he reached for the pot and helped himself to a caf refill. The whole time he was doing that, he didn’t take his eyes off his datapad.

“There are no rules with me,” Kylo told him.

“Oh, I am aware of that, but I’m just making sure you’re not an uncultured swine when we try to negotiate further with Senator Kynnie.” Kylo didn’t have the chance to complain about that insult, because Hux kept going: “And as ridiculous as your Force nonsense is most of the time, I’d appreciate it if _this time_ you could look around in her head. I don’t trust her.”

“You don’t trust anyone,” Kylo said, suddenly feeling queasy because especially today his grasp on the Force felt nonexistent. Not that he would tell Hux that, though.

“And that’s the best way to live a good life,” Hux said, acknowledging him with a nod. Kylo wondered if Hux had had _ever_ had friends. Not that he himself had any, but Ben had had some ages ago. And it was always a good feeling being around them. That was until he always felt like the Force was eating him from within, and he accidentally—

“I know how to behave,” Kylo said with a huff. He drained his cup and started to peel the second orange. He wasn’t hungry, but when he’d seen the kitchen droid transporting them, he just had to take some. “It is important to get the _Finalizer_ back on track. We need to reach the sector Supreme Leader’s ship is in.”

Hux looked at him when he said this. He looked like he wanted to argue a bit more, but thought better of it. And he was distracted by the soft chime of his datapad. He looked back at it again, and if Kylo would have a good grasp on the Force today then was sure he would have seen a _Kriff_ on Hux’s surface thoughts. But just like that, Hux stood up abruptly and told him, “1115, Ren.”

He took his greatcoat, which was draped over the back of his chair, and left the table. Kylo watched him pass the few officers, who were eating their breakfasts too, and he could see the respect in everyone’s eyes. Once again, Kylo wondered how Hux managed to still have so much respect from everyone, even after everything blew up.

_Not the general’s fault, son._

Kylo stared down at the last piece of orange. He had the sudden urge to toss the whole tray away and put his boot onto the fruit. But the _Force_ that was behind such thoughts often wasn’t there to spur him into action. Instead, he ate the rest of the orange, refilled and drained his second serving of caf, and got up too. He left the mess hall, stomach roiling, mask in place. He also thought about his bed and that he could take a nap until eleven. Brilliant idea.

But when he reached his quarters, the cleaning droids were busy and Kylo was told that it would take another ten minutes to get everything done. Kylo suddenly realized he hadn’t clipped his lightsaber to his belt so he couldn’t give in to the urge to just slice through the droid with it. The saber was lying on his nightstand. Had been there since he’d come back from the bacta tank. He’d never asked how it had made it back to him, yet he was sure that Hux had picked it up while picking _him_ up, or if he’d had troopers pick him up. Kylo was sure that Hux couldn’t even lift one of Kylo’s legs.

It sounded too draining to just stand here dumbly and wait for the droids to finish. He didn’t even have it in him to tell them to leave because he hadn’t let them in for many cycles now, and even he knew it was necessary,—if only, to pick up his laundry.

Feeling lost (again, always), Kylo turned away and walked in the direction from which he’d come earlier. He took the elevator up and it took him five seconds of standing in the officer’s gym of level X2-19 before the few men and women training there shuffled out and he had the gym to himself.

He found provided training clothes that fit him in the locker rooms and put them on, leaving his helmet off. He didn’t even bother to try and sharpen his Force sensibility this time, but put his work into the physical aspect of training. Mindless weight lifting managed to lift the weight from his mind, and he pleasantly thought about nothing at all until his comm alerted him at 1050.

He blinked out of his absent daydream (rainy clouds, fresh wind, sea breeze) and needed to shake his head to come back to reality.

Right.

He rubbed his right hand over his forehead and stared at his palm that was now coated with sweat. He was sweating from every pore, he realized, and got up from the bench. Not bothering to put the weights back into their correct space, he took the towel he had brought with him and wiped his face. There still wasn’t anyone in the gym. He guessed that everyone refused to for to the gym when he was in there. Just like he preferred it.

His mood plummeted again when he stood in one of the shower stalls and realized once again that only sonic was available here. He wondered if nagging Hux about the water supplies would delay his shower wish or not. He knew that pestering Hux would get him nowhere. But Hux was neck deep in work at the moment, so maybe Kylo would have a chance to make his hackles rise and just get Kylo what he wanted because Hux couldn’t deal with him _and_ so much work.

He let the sonic do its magic and got dressed again. He made a detour for his quarters to get the lightsaber because Hux was right: they were in unknown territory after all. He couldn’t trust the Force right now, so the lightsaber was a better bet going there.

Going to his room first made him reach the shuttle they were supposed to take at exactly 1113. Hux was standing in front of it, not staring at his datapad for once. He was draped in his coat , and even had his silly little cap on. He had his arms crossed and was looking at his chrono overdramatically when he laid eyes on Kylo coming over through the hangar.

“You’re late,” Hux told him and Kylo shook his head.

“Not on my chrono.”

“Your chrono is wrong then,” Hux said and swiftly turned around to enter the shuttle before Kylo. Kylo followed suit and the door behind him closed automatically. The pilot was already starting the shuttle and checking everything over. Kylo looked at the two rows of seats and watched Hux strap into a middle one. He looked a bit bulky with his greatcoat in his seat and Kylo wondered if it wasn’t uncomfortable. Strapped in like that.

“Your precious coat will get wrinkles,” Kylo told him. It would have been a teasing tone if he had the energy for it, but like that, it came out neutrally and Hux shot him a bored look as Kylo chose to sit in the other row. Not exactly opposite of Hux, but on the seat closest to the exit ramp. He strapped in too and stretched his legs. Hux sat stock still, hands on his knees and back so straight that he looked as if he’d swallowed a ruler.

“We’re ready to start, sir,” the pilot trooper piped up from the cockpit.

“Off we go then,” Hux said.

The shuttle moved out of the hangar immediately and slowly left the _Finalizer_. There weren’t any viewports back where they were sitting so Kylo turned his head to look at the open cockpit, and then out of the pilot’s viewports. There were countless astromech droids, repair droids, and other mechanics working on the _Finalizer_. It seemed like every little square centimeter was covered with repair droids. They were rapidly descending onto the planet and Kylo’s stomach lurched a bit when they entered the atmosphere of the planet. He never liked it when someone else was piloting ships he was in. He only ever trusted two pilots. Himself and —

“Stars, you pilot like a rookie,” Hux suddenly piped up after a few minutes of silence, and glared at the back of the pilot’s helmet when the shuttle was being shaken by hard winds and Kylo could feel the vibrations through his body.

“S-sorry, sir. I…”

“Did you not look at the weather conditions before we started? What is your identification?”

“I- I did, sir. I am PR-5988, sir. I might have underestimated the spontaneous storms that can appear in this area during this season —” He interrupted himself because the whole shuttle suddenly reeled sideways, and both Kylo and Hux had to grab the handles above the seats.

“I can’t believe this.” Hux looked angry and his usual pale face looked white as a sheet.

Fear?

“I’m sorry sir. Please hold on, I’ll just —”

There was an alarm blaring, and Kylo looked out of the cockpit’s viewports again and could see that they were on their way right through one of these Force forsaken storms of this planet.

_Especially entering planets like Eriadu for example is pretty tricky when you manage to enter from the wrong side. Let me explain._

Kylo closed his eyes to forget that memory, but opened then again when Hux spat out an, “This is all your fault, Ren.”

“How can that be my fault?” Kylo asked and his stomach lurched again when the angle of the shuttle’s flight path was off.

“If you’d been _punctual_ —”

“I _was_ punctual.”

“You were _two_ minutes late. These two minutes changed it all to the worse.”

Kylo wanted to laugh, but he was busy with being pressed into the seatbelt crossed over his chest when the shuttle continued its rocky descending.

“You’re delusional. I’m not responsible for everything shitty that happens,” he told Hux when the shuttle wasn’t off anymore and even the pilot looked more relaxed.

Hux didn’t deign it with an answer and Kylo was too curious to not reach out with the Force, but all he got was white noise and a developing headache behind his temple.

“Use the Force,” Hux suddenly snapped and Kylo stared at him.

“What.”

“Use your kriffing Force and stabilize the shuttle, I’m not in the mood to die today just because one trooper thought it’s a good idea to forget his pilot education.” Hux seemed a bit on the edge here and Kylo reached out to the Force the moment a strong squall hit the shuttle. There were even more alarms blaring now and _Kylo didn’t manage to straighten the chaotic course of the shuttle with the Force._

It had been a long time since he’d felt _that_ let down by the Force.

“ _Ren,_ ” Hux exclaimed sharply. He was now holding the bar above the seats with a strong grip, his knuckles turning white.

Kylo tried again, and this time the Force managed to guide him. He reached out, trying to grip the shuttle and put it back on course. Slowly, but surely, the shuttle righted position again. Before Kylo could bring it back completely, the pilot freaked out because he didn’t hear Hux commanding Kylo to solve this problem and he started to steer against Kylo’s Force movements. Kylo could feel himself losing the grasp again and made a frustrated noise. He punched the button of the seatbelt on his chest and the belt pulled away. He could feel Hux’s eyes on him as he made his way to the cockpit in four big steps (stumbling awkwardly like a kriffing Padawan because the Force wasn’t helping at all). He grabbed the back of the pilot’s seat and told the trooper, “Let me take over, or you’re going to kill us all.”

PR-5988 started and looked up. Kylo hoped that he still could guess the glare despite Kylo’s mask. The pilot hesitated and when the shuttle careened to the side again, Kylo lost his patience. He grabbed the neck of PR-5988 and pulled him out of the seat. He used the Force to strap him out but the Force had a sudden _burst_ that took Kylo by surprise and he pulled the pilot away with more force than he wanted to. The trooper sailed through the back of the shuttle and landed right in front of Hux. He howled in pain, but Kylo didn’t think further about it. He sat down on the pilot’s seat and stared the levers and buttons for one second before everything in his mind calmed down. Not because he could feel the Force perfectly again, but because this was like a second home. A pilot’s seat. Kylo could fly everything.

The shuttle shook dangerously and Kylo could see the many greens of a big jungle beneath them. He knew that they definitely were not supposed to land in a jungle.

Well then.

One screen showed him that they were already 609 km off course and Kylo thought that reconditioning wouldn’t be enough for that pathetic excuse for a pilot.

He pulled a lever, pressed some buttons and tuned out everything for the next four minutes.

The world only tuned back in when the shuttle crashed through multiple trees and Kylo could feel multiple things of the shuttle break through the Force when they finally hit the ground hard.

Kylo remembered to breathe and took a big one. He moved in the seat and automatically shut down everything. The blaring alarm in the cockpit cut off abruptly and it was eerily silent in the shuttle, apart from the whimpering of the pilot who was stuck between the exit door and a row of seats by now. Kylo turned around and could see that the pilot’s left arm and leg were off. Hux was slowly unstrapping himself from his seat and didn’t take notice of the whimpering heap of a pilot not far from him. Kylo watched as Hux pulled off his cap, put an unruly strand of hair back into place, put the cap back on, and got up. He straightened out his greatcoat and then looked at Kylo.

“Status report,” he asked him.

Kylo shrugged and said, “We’re not going to be able to move the shuttle anytime soon. I think there was something already broken within the shuttle. It was just a simple storm. It shouldn’t have been so difficult to maneuver.”

“Sabotage,” Hux breathed out and he pulled out a datapad from the depths of his coat.

“Or your mechanics are just incapable. Maybe you should consider—”

“Your input is not appreciated, Ren. What is wrong with you, anyway? You could have easily brought us back on course with literally only lifting a finger,” Hux said accusingly and typed away on his datapad.

Kylo hated that. Hux insulting him without even looking at him.

“It’s not that easy,” Kylo said and got up from his seat too.

“In general, or just for you?” Hux asked him and Kylo winced. Before he could work himself up into denial that everything was all right between him and the Force, Hux grunted and looked up at him. “There’s no signal here, how’s the shuttles communication looking?”

Kylo turned to the console and tried the transponder switch.

“Dead,” Kylo said and turned the main switch. Nothing happened. “Electricity’s out.”

“You don’t say,” Hux muttered and looked annoyed. He tried his comm then, even lifted it up and looked even more annoyed. There was another whimper coming from the pilot in the corner and Hux didn’t even look at him when he said, “Silence, PR-5988, I need to think.”

Hux pressed his lips together and walked back to the exit. He punched the _open_ button and the exit opened with a loud hiss. Kylo could feel the sticky heat of the jungle seeping through his clothes already and suppressed the urge to tell Hux to please close that door again.

Hux waltzed out of the shuttle and stepped on a nearby tree stump. He raised his comm again, waited for a few seconds and then sighed. Kylo stepped out on the ramp too and took in their surroundings. They crashed in the middle of nowhere it seemed. Kylo heard the distant noises of insects and birds. He didn’t smell anything because of the mask but there were big, deeply violet flowers all around them and he mused that they must have a strong scent. Hux brushed one of the blossoms with his elbow when he turned to the shuttle again and pocketed his com. He looked irked when he saw that the flower had stained his greatcoat with light and dark blue pollen. Hux rubbed over it with his gloved hand and looked even more annoyed when he just smeared it over the fabric more and now had it also stuck at his glove. He stepped down from the stump and walked back to Kylo and the shuttle.

“We have to wait then. This was one of the last normal shuttles on board. Almost every other vehicle that isn’t an emergency shuttle, is on planet to transport all the troopers,” Hux told him and swatted at a large insect that seemingly wanted to land on his nose.

“Regret your big get-all-troopers-planetside-plan yet?” Kylo asked him, and Hux glared. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped. He and Kylo stiffened when they could hear multiple growls from behind the bushes close to them.

“Slow down,” Kylo said quietly, suddenly tense. There was a thudding sound over them and he could see Hux looking over his shoulder, up to the top of the shuttle. There was an audible growl from above them now, and Hux sneered.

“Veermoks,” he almost whispered. “We crashed into a kriffing Veermok pack. How did you _not_ see this?”

Veermoks? But they were native to Naboo. That couldn’t be right.

“I didn’t know Eriadu had a subspecies,” Hux muttered, eyes still on the primate behind Kylo. Kylo slowly turned his head and looked up. The vermook was huge, the top of its body covered in dark brown fur, the lower half of the body naked. The animal flexed its big arm muscles and made a hissing sound. The other growls from the bushes seemed to come closer. Kylo’s vision was hindered because of his mask, but he knew they were surrounded by the whole pack. From the inside of the shuttle there was an audible whimper. The big veermok above them sniffed and growled again.

“He wants the weak one,” Hux muttered.

“Well, I guess I should just go inside then, and let him have you,” Kylo replied in an even and quiet voice. He very slowly reached for his lightsaber.

“Very funny.” Hux sounded tense. He took a step forward toward Kylo, but the big veermok—the alpha, probably—snarled and slid closer to the edge, ready to jump down.

Kylo knew the aggressive animal would pounce as soon as it saw the saber.

“Do something,” Hux hissed.

Kylo would have loved to, but as much as he tried to concentrate on the Force, he just had this weird fizzling-out sensation again. He caught Hux’s gaze, which was quite furious, and hoped for the best. He activated his lightsaber, and at the same time he could feel that the Force was back, thrumming through his veins like an old friend. The alpha veermok let out a high-pitched scream that made Kylo’s ears ring, and jumped. All the other ones jumped out of their hiding places, too. Kylo used the Force to grab Hux and pulled him to him, then past him, and tossed him back into the shuttle. Hux yelled but Kylo didn’t care. He cared more about his red lightsaber being deep in the guts of the veermok. It was ugly. Kylo had the veermok speared on the blade and the animal’s face was right in front of his mask. Kylo could see the life leaving the veermok and moved his saber to toss the body away. He jumped into the shuttle then, pushed the _close_ button with the Force, and landed on all fours right next to Hux, who sat on the ground, without his cap and looking annoyed.

The remaining veermoks were howling outside, punching and kicking the door. Kylo turned to the cockpit when two of them were jumping on the transparisteel of the cockpit but no scratching and no punching was damaging the transparisteel. At least, these ugly things couldn’t get in. Hux looked relieved about that, too. He got up from the floor and walked over to the hidden first aid kit compartment. Kylo thought he’d go to check on the still whimpering pilot, and was surprised when Hux dropped the kit into his lap.

“You’re hurt,” he just said and passed Kylo to sit down on the seat he’d already taken on the flight down here. This time, he took off his greatcoat and Kylo noticed a bit of sweat on Hux’s forehead. Hux made to wipe over it with his hand, then seemed to remember that the glove had the pollen on it and pulled it off, together with the other one. Kylo looked away from him when Hux pulled out his comm again and tried to connect with _somebody_.

He was indeed hurt. Only now did Kylo notice the three huge gashes on his right arm. The fabric of his sleeve was ripped and loosely hanging down. Blood was oozing out of the three claw marks. That veermok had gotten him with its huge, jagged white claws when Kylo had sliced it open with the lightsaber. Kylo watched the crimson red blood for a moment. He made a fist and watched the blood well up. It slowly dripped down his arm and soaked the bit of fabric that was still wrapped around his arm.

“Don’t stare at it like it holds the truth of the universe. Just put bacta on it,” Hux said from across the small space. He was still furiously typing away on his comm. He didn’t wince whenever a veermok punched the transparisteel, but Kylo was sure that his left eye was twitching a bit every time the big paw connected with it. The pilot in the corner was whimpering again. Hux looked up at that and glared at him, then at Kylo, who was peeling away the safety wrapper from the bacta.

“Do something. He’s grating on my nerves,” he demanded. Kylo looked away from the bacta and over to the pilot.

“What? Like killing him?”

“I’m almost tempted to say yes, but that’s a waste of resources. We haven’t not enough as it is. Just knock him out, will you?” He looked at the comm again and Kylo lifted his hand, reached out to the Force and tried to redirect it to the pilot. He got a grasp, sent it over to him and thought about the last time he’d used the Force to knock someone out and the whole bantha shit day that had followed. Kylo lost the grasp and he swore that he could almost hear how the Force fizzled out in his palm. Before he could get angry about it, Kylo got up from the floor and stalked over to PR-5988. He pulled the helmet off the trooper’s head and used it to knock him out cold. He then placed the helmet awkwardly over the face and walked back to where the half-peeled-open bacta lay. He could feel Hux’s gaze when he took care of his wound. He needed three bacta patches to cover all three scratches completely.

“What’s wrong with you and the Force today?” Hux asked. Kylo ignored him, got up from the floor, and stalked over to the cockpit. The veermoks weren’t trying to crash into the cockpit anymore. It was eerily silent, and Kylo guessed they either were eating the alpha or had retreated to their nest. He tapped against the console, tried the main switch a few times, but nothing happened.

“Can’t you just revive it with the Force? I mean, you always tell everyone who wants to hear that you’re _the_ descendant of Darth Vader. I’m sure he would have managed to drag this kriffing shuttle up and even back to the _Finalizer_.”

“That’s not how the Force works,” Kylo snapped and actually lost it a bit and punched the main switch. They both tensed up when the power in the shuttle seemed to restart, but then it fizzled out.

“Pathetic,” Hux muttered. Kylo wanted to slap him so hard that he would fly through the closed door and get eaten by the veermoks.

Not really, though.

Kriff.

His injury hurt from the punching and he left the cockpit to sit down on one of the seats again. He ignored Hux as Hux walked around in the small shuttle, holding up his comm as if he would get a bit of signal when he stood on PR-5988’s thighs.

Kylo watched Hux trying every corner of the shuttle for a while, until Hux groaned and gave up. A strand of hair had come loose and was on his forehead. Kylo stared at it until Hux became aware of his stare and what he was staring at. He put combed it back with his hand. “I really hoped it wouldn’t come to that,” Hux muttered. 

Kylo went cold, and then hot. His lips felt a bit numb and he couldn’t feel his feet.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Fixing this.”

The tunic fell and Hux stood there in only his boots, trousers, an undershirt. There was something glinting around his neck: his identification perhaps?

Kylo’s head was empty, and suddenly the Force was slamming back into him. It was such a powerful surge that he almost doubled over. Hux ignored his antics and walked back to the cockpit.

“All right. Let’s do this,” he muttered to himself. He sank down on his knees in a graceful manner that Kylo never would manage to achieve and opened the lid of the console, revealing the wiring from the shuttle leading to the cockpit.

“What are you doing?” Kylo asked, the Force fizzling away once again.

“I’m getting us a ride out of here,” Hux said and started to touch the wires, muttering to himself. “Since you’re your usual useless self.”

Kylo grunted, leaned back in his seat, and winced when pain shot through his shoulder again. “The shuttle is dead. How do you want to do that?”

“Watch and learn, you whiny Republic scum,” Hux said, _ripping_ something out and putting it on the side. “I am the mind behind Starkiller, and I am very close making a hyperdrive tracker work.”

“You mean, you _were_ the mind behind it, right?” Kylo said. Hux’s shoulders tensed. He didn’t answer but he also managed to make his convey with his body language _I am ignoring you forever now_. Impressive. Kylo closed his eyes and tried to relax a bit. Who knew how long they would rot here? Sooner or later someone would notice that they hadn’t made it to the Senator’s lunch and Kylo was loath to admit it, but the crew respected Hux. They would look for him.

That irked Kylo.

He knew nobody would give a shit where he was off to. But that was also because he wouldn’t _be_ in such a situation. As a mighty Force-user and all that.

“Can you please brood somewhere else?” Hux asked. Kylo turned and saw that Hux was half into the console, different parts of mechanics and wiring around his legs. “You’re disturbing my concentration.”

“What? Shall I go out there and lie down in the veermok nest?”

“Preferably.”

Kylo didn’t say anything to that. He had the urge to strangle Hux with the Force. He actually reached out with his hand, gesturing to Hux, who wasn’t aware what he was doing, just tinkering. But nothing happened. Kylo made a fist, unclenched his hand again, but the only thing he got from the Force was concentration and annoyance from Hux. There was not a single thing he could send out to Hux.

He was in the mood to activate his lightsaber and slash through everything he could reach.

But that would only draw in the veermoks again. So, he didn’t, and turned away from Hux. Closing his eyes, he did a few breathing exercises he had learned _eons_ ago, and not from Supreme Leader. But they always helped him fall into a state of deep meditation.

Breathe in deeply…

Relax…

Enter the void…

Feel…

“—sking for retrieval. Navigation coordinates attached to this holo message. Shuttle doesn’t have enough energy to receive another message, so I repeat: this is General Hux speaking…”

Kylo opened his eyes, blinking. His numb body woke just like his mind and he winced at the discomfort of waking up from a deep meditation. He got up from the seat just as Hux turned off the holo recorder, tapped something into the console, and nodded to himself. The shuttle was brimming with energy, but as soon as a mechanic voice stated _Message sent_ , the energy fizzled out and the shuttle was dead again. Hux turned around to him then. He was dressed again and stepped away from the cockpit.

“While you enjoyed your beauty sleep I managed to at least send off a signal, so we should be picked up in a while. Maybe two standard hours. I know that we had one of the last shuttles because of the sending down of the troopers.”

He looked at Kylo expectantly.

Kylo stared him down, and then turned away. He walked over to the pilot, tapping against him with his foot. He was still out cold.

“And now we wait,” Hux said, sounding miffed. Probably because Kylo hadn’t reacted to Hux managing to send off a signal. Kylo still ignored him and rummaged in the small cabinets. He would have gotten a fancy meal at the senator’s estate by now, he supposed. He wasn’t particularly hungry, but he objectively knew that he needed some energy. Maybe he should get his calorie intake back under control, so the _rest_ would get under control, too. Pulling off his helmet, he looked at the rations.

“You’re not going to eat that, are you? This is for emergencies, and certainly not for you. We’ll be out of here in no time. I said stop. Don’t you dare! _Ren!_ ”

During Hux’s little threat, Kylo had opened the foil of the bland-looking protein bar and already had chewed half of it by the time Hux let out his name in his usual exasperated way.

“Do you ever listen to anyone?” Hux asked, sitting down on the seat he’d occupied on the terrible flight down here. He had his datapad in his hands again, apparently enough work on it that he could use in offline mode.

“No,” Kylo said, swallowing the last of the bar that tasted like mud, or something.

“That was a rhetorical question,” Hux told him, starting to type.

Kylo rolled his eyes and ate the second bar. He checked the date of the four bottles of sealed vitamin drink and looked over his shoulder when Hux said, without looking up from his datapad, “No need to check that. I always make sure the rations and emergency rations are in perfect order and consumable. I have an exceptional system for that.”

“What, like your stormtrooper program?”

It was too funny how Hux’s nose twitched, how his face closed off, and how he was looking at the door as if he was mourning the fact that he couldn’t storm out of the shuttle. He looked like he was seriously considering getting eaten by a veermok instead of spending another second here with Kylo.

“I won’t have you question my methods,” was all he said.

Kylo huffed out a laugh and they both tried to be as far away in the small shuttle from then on. Hux worked and Kylo slid down at the door of the shuttle, legs stretched and staring into nothing. He tried to meditate again, but Hux’s annoyed aura was hitting him hard. Not being able to mediate wasn’t too bad. At least he could feel someone’s general mood again. Or maybe Hux was just so annoyed that he was projecting very loudly. So loudly that a Force-null could pick it up easily.

Dammit.

Instead of meditating, Kylo fell asleep. This was not planned, but when he woke up with a jerk, he felt refreshed. More refreshed than the tossing and turning sleep he had during the night cycles. He realized that Hux was standing right in front of him. Kylo didn’t know if he’d imagined Hux’s hand on his blaster or not. But he didn’t like the way Hux was looking down at him. He also could hear the veermoks outside cry and hiss, and the sound of blaster fire.

Rescue was here.

Kylo got up, feeling better about the few centimeters he had on Hux. Hux was dressed impeccably again, down to his greatcoat. Kylo had started to sweat during his nap, the heat of the jungle finally creeping into the dead shuttle. Somebody knocked at the door three times, and to Kylo’s surprise it was Captain Phasma. He put on his helmet.

“General Hux? Kylo Ren? This is Phasma speaking. The threat is exterminated. Perimeter secured. New shuttle for extraction is waiting.”

Hux pushed the button for the door and Kylo blinked against the stark light of the jungle. He looked at his chrono and saw that it was almost 1400 hours.

“Are you all right, sir?” Phasma asked when Kylo and Hux walked down the ramp. Kylo walked past them quickly, passing four troopers standing at attention and into the shuttle that was a good three hundred meters away. Kylo saw the results of blaster fire against veermoks lying around and walked up the ramp into the other shuttle. He had to wait four minutes until Hux, Phasma, and the other troopers came in. Two troopers were carrying the passed-out pilot.

“Send him to reconditioning,” Hux said. “He lost his nerve on the flight, adding an unnecessary risk. Come to think of it, please arrange that all pilots are sent to reconditioning. I won’t tolerate such mistakes again.”

“Yes, sir,” Phasma said, and closed the shuttle door. After Hux was strapped in, Phasma gave the signal to this shuttle’s pilot. Kylo looked out of the small window. The shuttle they rode down here became smaller and smaller very quickly and soon they broke the atmosphere and the _Finalizer_ was in sight. He toned out Hux, who was giving instructions already, about the retrieval of the abandoned shuttle.

As soon as the shuttle docked in the hangar, Kylo walked out of it first. Hux was close behind him and Kylo rolled his eyes when Mitaka appeared at Hux’s side immediately.

“Sir, there is an unusually high amount of solar flares. They’re about to hit Eriadu and the spaceport in approximately thirty minutes full-force. That’s one of the reasons communication wasn’t clear.”

“I see,” Hux said. “You informed the senator immediately about our unfortunate accident? Did she send an answer?”

“Yes, sir. A holo.”

“I shall go to my office,” Hux said. The three of them were standing in front one of the elevators. Hux gave Mitaka a few tasks and Mitaka nodded, leaving to take another elevator. Kylo and Hux stepped into the one leading to the high-ranking officers’ quarters and offices. Kylo stared at the numbers going up, and Hux just scrolled through his datapad.

“Ren,” Hux said, nodding, before Kylo got out on his floor. Kylo nodded too, and left. The Force clung to him again, he could feel it to his very bones. He traced Hux’s signature as the general travelled further up, got a grip on him when he got out of the elevator two floors above him. He could basically see Hux walking in the corridor, but as soon as Hux stepped into his office and the door closed, Kylo felt like being slapped because the Force was wonky again.

“Fucking—” Kylo cursed, scaring two stormtroopers who passed him on his way to his quarters. This was driving him insane. This on and off. It was like the Force was mocking him, laughing at him, because he’d been bested by that scavenger. As soon as he was back in his quarters, he yelled himself hoarse. He just stood there, yelling out his frustration at the force until his throat hurt. He sank down on the floor when he was exhausted, took off his gloves, and scratched over the surface of the floor with his fingernails until they were bloody. He sighed, placed his forehead on the floor and took a few breaths that weren’t calming at all.

“Fuck this,” he muttered. “Fucking, fuck, kriff, fuck. What the fuck is going on?”

He slid forward until he was laying on the floor completely, legs and arms stretched, cheek against the cold floor. His eyes drooped and he stared at the foot of his bed without seeing it. The coldness of the floor started to creep through his body and he took a big breath, holding it as long as possible, and then breathed out again.

“Why are you doing this to me?” He asked, trying to reach the void.

Nothing answered.

Kylo sighed, closed his eyes, and lay there for a few minutes until he summoned enough energy to get up. He was a bit dizzy when he was standing on his feet again and touched the bactas on his shoulder. He should have taken the skull of that stupid veermok. His stomach was rumbling too, the protein bars’ energy from earlier long gone.

He knew it would be denied, but he still punched in a request to have food delivered to his quarters.

_D E N I E D_.

Kylo sighed, tossed the datapad on his bed and walked out of his quarters.

Without his mask. It was too stifling.

It was ghostly when he walked through the hallways. Almost every trooper was stationed on Eriadu. And due to the solar activities for the next hours, transport and communication weren’t possible. When he looked out of a viewport, he could see that even the working droids and were doing nothing at all now. There were less people here than during graveyard shift.The _Finalizer_ was like a ghost ship. Kylo never had been on one, but he could imagine how it would feel like.

_So, I was waking up in this strange ship, floating right between some nasty asteroids and I had no idea if Chewie was there —_

Kylo leaned against the wall of the elevator, willing away the memories.

When he reached the mess hall, it was just as deserted as the rest of the ship. He felt a bit uncomfortable with this being less than a skeleton crew. He knew that there were around 80,000 people on this ship usually. If he could continue working with the Force right now, he could easily determine how many were currently on board. But like that, he had no idea. He took a tray and let the kitchen droid give him a plate and two bowls of everything that was on offer today. He was surprised when he saw that the food was fresh and wondered if this would be the case the whole time they’d dock here in the spaceport, in the orbit of a wealthy planet. The droid noticed his surprise and immediately started to list the things on his tray before Kylo could stop him.

“Herd ship’s bounty salad. Mixed Ithorian greens garnished with starfruit and hard-boiled Ooglata eggs and served with a Meerian vinaigrette. Crystal Mushroom Soup as the soup of the day and as a side dish blue cheese. The First Order kitchens have access to Eriadu’s number one eopie farm because 500 troopers were sent there to work. Please enjoy your meal, master of the knights of Ren.”

Kylo wanted to tell the droid to shut up; he knew what was on his tray. His fingers itched for his lightsaber, wanting to decapitate the droid just because. He touched the handle of his lightsaber but never went through with his idea because Hux chose that moment to enter the mess hall.

“Don’t trash that droid, I’m running on a tight budget now. Even tighter than usual. So please refrain.”

He stepped next to Kylo, taking a tray. The droid put the same things on his tray like he did with Kylo’s.

“And a strong tea, three bags,” Hux told the droid. The droid nodded and turned around to get the hot water and the tea bags. Kylo walked away with his tray, taking a small table directly next to a big viewport. The fresh food tasted amazing. He never had gotten used to the canned or sealed rations that just tasted like nothing at all. They only ever had fresh food when they were long enough in a planet’s orbit. And even then, that scavenged food would often be sealed, turned into canned food or other things that lasted longer.

The only time, Kylo got fresh food, it was during missions every now and then.

So, this was a real treat.

He was aware of Hux sitting down not far from him, four tables down to be precise. Kylo ate and watched him. Hux was eating automatically, eyes glued to his datapad as usual. He frowned most of the time. Sometimes, he’d scrunch up his nose and put the fork down to use both hands to type out some text. Most certainly complaints and orders to recondition. He stopped watching Hux and concentrated on his food when Hux looked up from his datapad once, aware that Kylo was watching him, even without the Force.

Kylo scowled and shoveled the rest of his food down his throat quickly, before getting up and leaving the tray with the empty bowls and plate on the table. He passed the officer’s gym on his way back. He wasn’t in the mood for the gym. But when he was back at his quarters, sitting on his bed, he again didn’t know what to do with himself. He could feel the Force weakly. Now it felt like he was some Force sensitive fledgling who felt something but couldn’t control it.

He groaned and let himself fall back onto the bed. He stared at the ceiling for a while, then turned around, wincing when he lay on his bad, right side. He turned to the other side and was confronted with the view outside of the viewport. There was a big storm brewing over a big desert down on Eriadu. Kylo watched it for a while, finding it calming, imagining how the storm destroyed everything in its way, merciless and destructive.

He fell asleep again like that, having a fitful sleep full of hazy dreams. He eventually woke up from a scary one. In the dream, he had killed his master with a saber because of something. Something had made him angry and he’d just _snapped_.

Kylo shook his head, sitting up. He pulled his knees to his chest, hugged them and buried his face in his arms, taking a few deep breaths. His whole body was slick with sweat and his hair was damp. He tried to remember the dreams before that. The scavenger had been in there. Skywalker. That dreadful night all these years ago. That night when —

“Not going there,” he told himself the nth time. Looking out of the viewport, he saw that many construction droids were floating around, creating funny little lights with their heads, either being greenlit or red.

The solar flares must be over then. He closed his eyes again, reached out. He could feel a lot more minds on board now, taking it in. Maybe three- or four thousand. But before he could check on more, the Force denied him again and he let out a frustrated howl.

“This isn’t funny!”

He half expected to hear some laughter from the void but there was just silence. Agonized, he slid from the bed and walked over to the ‘fresher. He didn’t even bother with the water button after getting naked, just punched the sonic button and let the waves do their work. Oh, how he wished he could have hot water now. Just standing under a hot jet of water that could massage his sore muscles. Especially the ones on his right side. He ripped the bactas from his shoulder, checked it and saw that the bacta did the work. The veermok wound was healed already. Just three faint scars. Barely visible.

When the sonic beeped and was over, Kylo punched the button again, but even after the second round, he didn’t feel better. He groaned, got out of the ‘fresher and got dressed in clean clothing that wasn’t drenched.

A look at the chrono on his nightstand told him that it was shortly after 20:00 hours. His stomach rumbled again, and he wondered if it was a good sign. That his appetite was coming back. Or maybe it was just _normal_ , and when he had been busy concentrating on the Force only before, he’d just forgotten to eat regularly, and ignored his needs. Especially the past few standard months.

He sighed, shaking his head again. At the Force, himself, the void, everything.

Feeling defeated once again, he left his quarters and walked to the officer’s mess hall again. There were more officers here than hours before. Kylo could tell that most of them were relaxed. It was their first leave in years, Kylo supposed. And it were just the troopers who were being lent to Eriadu for work. Sure, the officers did some political propaganda, but Kylo guessed that this was like a long overdue vacation for them.

He was a bit disappointed when he got the same food on his tray as earlier, but his mood lifted when he saw that not one table was free, and he could just blow away two officers with the Force. They flew backwards with their chairs, crashing against a wall. Kylo also wiped away their food trays and sat down at the now free table. He ate his dinner, almost choking on his blue milk when all of a sudden, he was highly aware of _every_ mind on the _Finalizer_. He dropped his fork and clutched his head. It was like a million different sirens were screaming in his head.

As quickly as it entered his mind, it vanished, and Kylo could feel blood dribbling out of his nose. Kylo touched his upper lip, snarled, and wiped away the blood. He got up from his table, leaving his half-eaten food there, and quickly walked out of the mess hall. He almost collided with Hux who also was on his way out. Kylo hated that Hux was walking the same pace as him, so they walked down the hallway together. His head wasn’t pounding, but Kylo could feel and hear a quiet hum. He still had his hand against his nose, but the bleeding had stopped. He could feel it. He was aware of Hux’s gaze and was glad when Hux turned a corner to walk to the officer’s lounge. Kylo stepped into the elevator and the noises in his head got louder again.

What was wrong with him?

What was going on?

What was this steady tuning in and out? He had never felt so useless with the Force before. Everyone had always told him the Force within him was almost uncontrollable, but he’d _never_ felt like this. He had always felt like he was able to control it.

But he’d always had a guide.

He had never had been truly alone in his head or with the Force.

It had always been Ben’s mother, Ben’s uncle, and Supreme Leader.

_Look, I’m not a fan of you being off to Luke, but your mom says—_

Kylo closed his eyes, preferring the steady hum of minds in his head rather than old, foolish memories: memories of a boy who died years ago, whom he murdered again when he tried to resurface by murdering his—Ben’s— father.

He could feel the blatant disconnection again when he was in his quarters.

It wasn’t that late and because of his nap, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep. After a quick use of the ‘fresher, he told himself to get a grip, sat down on his bed, crossed his legs and took a few deep breaths.

He tried reaching out to his master, tried to pinpoint where the _Supremacy_ was currently floating, but when he managed to reach out thousands of kilometers, he felt as though he was slammed back into his physical body.

“Fuck. Shit. Kriff. Fuck. Fucking…” He cursed and fell back onto his bed, hitting his head on the edge of his nightstand. “Ow.”

“What is your fucking problem?” He started to yell at the ceiling. “I’ve never heard of something like this before. I’ve _never_ felt so unbalanced. The Force shows you the way? No, it fucking doesn’t. What do you want from me? FUCK! Kriff, fucking, kriff fuck, fuck!”

He knew he was having a tantrum like a child, but he felt like he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve any of this. He deserved more. He deserved to be as strong as Darth Vader. Stronger. Mightier. _He_ deserved everything. Everyone else was nothing, _nothing_!

He stood up on the bed, hammering his fist against the viewport. For a small moment, he wished he could punch through it and be sucked out there. If he had the Force under control, he could, _and_ he would survive a stint out there. He _was_ powerful. He wanted to do this just to prove to himself that he _could_. He punched and punched and punched, kicked, and kicked, and yelled, but the transparisteel didn’t move.

Kriffing quality work.

“I don’t know what you want. I don’t know. Fucking ways of the Force. There is no _way_. Just let me continue how it was. I was _so close…_ ”

He leaned his hot forehead against the cold surface and took a deep breath.

_Don’t lose yourself, kid. I’ll come visit._

“Fuck you. Fuck all of you, especially you, fucking Force,” Kylo muttered.

He suddenly could feel the Force bursting through him with such an immense power, as if a small supernova was exploding in him. He gasped, clutched his head and crumpled back down on the bed, gripping the sheets.

This time, he wasn’t only aware of the minds on the _Finalizer_ , but felt like the whole of Eriadu was trying to force itself into him, too, but before he could process all of this, his weak foolish body chose to pass out.

Kylo slept through the whole night cycle, blissed out, and unaware of everything going on in the void.

* * *

His eyes snapped open when his alarm went off at 0630. What? Why was his alarm blaring? He’d only set it for yesterday, so he could prepare for that senator meeting, and for dealing with Hux. After his little Force breakdown yesterday, he’d hoped to sleep in, or sleep a lot, not leaving his quarters.

He wanted to mope around.

He groaned, sat up and blinked. He was under the sheets. He remembered falling asleep on top of them, or rather passing out. The alarm was still beeping. Kylo flicked his wrist and the alarm silenced. He sighed, fell back and stared at the ceiling. Turning around, he looked out of the viewport again. Staring into a literal void was calming. Better than listening in to the Force void.

He didn’t know how long he just lay there, feeling drenched and exhausted. He probably fell asleep again, because he jolted out of his reverie when his comm went off. He groaned and ignored it, but there was text after text coming in, seemingly every minute..

When he heard the chiming of it the sixth time, he grabbed it and frowned at the small screen.

> Gen. Hux: It is 0812. I do not have time for this.
> 
> Gen. Hux: Are you serious?
> 
> Gen. Hux: She invited the both of us. We need to show up together, even if I have better things to do.
> 
> Gen. Hux: Much better things.
> 
> Gen. Hux: I mean it, Ren.
> 
> Gen. Hux: Come to the mess hall at once.

What was going on? Kylo was pretty sure there was no appointment scheduled today. They’d just had one yesterday, which had ended in this disaster that gave Kylo a strong headache and three new scars on his shoulder.

He could see that Hux was typing again, so he replied: _What are you talking about?_

The typing stopped, and then it started again, and Kylo could bet that Hux was typing furiously.

> Gen. Hux: Typical Ren.
> 
> Gen. Hux: Your interests above others. You confirmed this meeting yesterday. I wanted to talk about the rules. But the mighty Ren likes to sleep in.
> 
> Gen. Hux: I don’t have time for this now. I got an urgent request. I will brief you on the way to the Senator’s estate. 1115, Ren. Don’t be late.

What was he talking about? There hadn’t been any change in schedule for the visit. Kylo checked his messages, but there was nothing just old messages from yesterday and the current ones. Was this some sort of joke? It couldn’t be. Hux wouldn’t even recognize a joke if it dropped in front of him.

Kylo scratched his head. He swiped over the screen and dialed Mitaka. It rang five times before Mitaka took the call. Kylo could see his panicked face without actually seeing it. He was so scared of Kylo, and it was highly satisfying.

“M- Master Ren?”

“Mitaka,” Kylo snapped. “Do I have an appointment today with Hux?”

There was a beat of silence, and then Mitaka said, “Y-yes, sir. You are scheduled to leave the _Finalizer_ at 1115 hours, sir. To attend Senator Kynnie’s luncheon.”

Kylo sat up, planting his feet on the cold floor. He curled his toes, stretched them again, curled again.

“Is this some joke? Because I won’t hesitate to make the whole ship pay for this, if you’re all in on this,” he growled.

“N-No, sir. I swear. This is what is both written into yours and General Hux’s agenda. I even have the confirmation on my datapad. From the senator, I mean. Shall I forward it to you?”

He sounded ready to shit his pants. Kylo reached out with the Force. Surprisingly enough, he could find Mitaka’s mind immediately. The Force wasn’t making any problems, for now. He delved into Mitaka’s mind without much thinking and found out that Mitaka was telling the truth. When he pulled away from Mitaka without much finesse, Mitaka groaned.

“P-Please don’t do that again, sir,” he said.

Kylo’s head was swimming with exhaustion just because of this tiny task of going into Mitaka’s mind and that he was saying the truth.

Had he dreamed all of this?

“What day is it, Mitaka?”

“Uh…it’s Centaxday. Second Month Galactic Standard Time, the second. I —”

Kylo hung up and tossed the comm away. He pulled at his hair before rubbing his hands over his face, and took a deep breath.

“Force Vision. Very vivid Force vision,” he said to himself. He felt like he was lying to himself, but what other explanation was there? He took a few deep breaths and got up. He stared into the mirror when he brushed his teeth, and touched his naked shoulder. The three faint scars from the veermok weren’t there.

So weird.

A Force vision couldn’t be a whole day. Kylo never even had any such visions; he didn’t know what it felt like. He’d been told long ago that in a vision you knew it was a vision, and that it lasted only for a few seconds. Random hints were left to be interpreted.

“Maybe you’ve just gone mad. You knew this was a possibility. You knew your mind wasn’t the same since…the fall.”

Great. Now, he was talking to himself.

Maybe the way to madness had always been there. Maybe every being born with the Force was at a risk to go mad.

He spat out the toothpaste and got undressed to use the ‘fresher. The sonic was as unsatisfying as usual and when he was dressed, he sat down on his bed cross-legged, forgoing the breakfast. He connected with the holonet and felt dumb when he typed in _Force Vision_. He couldn’t believe how many sites were still writing about the Force and Jedi and how much speculating without any knowledge was going on. He found a very suspicious blog on page three of the search engine that was actually right in most of these things. Kylo tried to look at the source but couldn’t find anything. Still, he read everything he could find, surprised that some of this made a lot of sense, and that his teacher _s_ didn’t manage to explain it to him like that.

And this was very unsettling.

Because whatever happened yesterday couldn’t have been a Force vision.

Or it was one, and Kylo was the first Force-user to ever experience one over the span of a day.

He decided that maybe he’d gone mad by now and would just carry on. He put the datapad away eventually, having favorited the page, and got dressed. He hesitated when he looked at his helmet lying there, but he decided to put it on. When he stepped outside, the cleaning bots were waiting. Kylo had denied them access while reading. “And do the laundry,” he told them, helmet in place.

He reached the hangar at 1111 hours.

Hux was waiting for him in his uniform, greatcoat, and cap.

“You’re late,” Hux said.

This was worse than a déjà vu because Kylo somehow knew it wasn’t.

“Not on my chrono,” he said automatically.

“Your chrono is wrong then.”

Kylo felt queasy, but he followed Hux into the shuttle when Hux walked in. Hux chose the exact same shuttle like….like _yesterday_. Kylo sat down in the same seat he felt he already had occupied and couldn’t help but ask, “Are you sure this shuttle is ready to fly? Did you check it over?”

Hux looked at him, annoyed. “What are you talking about? Of course I’m sure. All my technicians are exceptionally well-trained. Don’t insult me.”

Kylo shook his head and strapped in. He tapped his fingers against his knee and turned to the pilot when he said, “We’re ready to start, sir.”

“Are we?” Kylo asked just as Hux said, “Off we go then.”

Hux looked at him sharply and the pilot turned the seat around, looking at them. Kylo looked at the identification. PR-5988.

“Be quiet, Ren,” he said to Kylo, and then turned to the pilot. “Start the shuttle.”

“Yes, sir.”

Kylo stared out of the cockpit’s viewport and had a weird feeling that he had experienced everything like that—exactly like that. This couldn’t be. He reached out with the Force, or tried to. He could feel the surface from the shuttle, the nervous mood of the pilot (why was he nervous?), but couldn’t dive _into_ the shuttle, couldn’t feel the mechanics. Why was it leaving him again—

“Stars, you pilot like a rookie.”

This just wasn’t possible…

“S-Sorry, sir. I…”

“Did you not look at the weather conditions before we started? What is your identification?”

“I-I did, sir. I am PR-5988, sir. I might have underestimated the spontaneous storms that can appear in this area during this season—"

The shuttle lurched, came off course exactly like it _already had_ , and Kylo panicked a bit because that couldn’t be happening. How could it be exactly like that? How did he know what was supposed to happen? He stared at Hux and the pilot as they had the exact same conversation. This time, he didn’t react when Hux accused him that this was his fault because he had been late.

He still stared when Hux ordered him to use the Force. He was still a bit trapped in his _this already happened, this already happened, THIS ALREADY HAPPENED_ mindset.

“REN!”

Kylo looked at Hux and got up from his seat. The shuttle was on the verge of spinning now. Kylo concentrated, but this time he didn’t get a grasp on the Force to balance it out.

“Ren, use the kriffing Force!”

They all grabbed the handles when the shuttle did a full spin.

_This_ was not like yesterday in his dream, or vision—whatever it had been.

“Ren, _please_ , no jokes now!” Hux sounded panicked now, and Kylo told himself to get a grip. _He_ didn’t want to die today. Whatever it was with this kriffing day, Kylo would not go down like this.

Finding new determination, Kylo straightened as much as possible by gripping the handle above his seat and thought back to his training. The cruel training and the one before.

_Breathe._

_What do you feel?_

Kylo got his grip on the Force again when he could feel Hux’s panic radiating.

Kylo settled the shuttle and this time he ripped the pilot out of the seat with the Force only and knocked him out like he did with that girl. He sat down on the pilot’s seat, felt the Force losing its grasp on the shuttle again and a few minutes later, they landed hard, and Kylo stared out of the viewport.

He’d landed in the _exact_ same spot.

“What did you to my pilot?”

Kylo turned around. Hux looked white as a sheet and put his cap back on; he’d lost it during the spin. He looked at the unconscious pilot squeezed under the row of seats.

“Relax, he’s fine.”

Hux made an impatient noise and then started to try to get some contact with the comm again.

“Status report,” he said in a clipped voice.

“Everything’s dead,” Kylo said. “It was incredibly difficult to maneuver. That’s why I asked if something is broken”

“What, you felt something and didn’t tell me?” Hux said in his usual accusing tone.

“Well, no, but I just…”

“Silence, Ren. I need to think.”

Kylo huffed, moving one of the main switches, but nothing happened. He was still wondering what was happening. Thinking about the small differences that already happened that he had forgotten—

He looked up at the growling of the veermok and the sound of it walking over the shuttle. By the time Kylo was out of his seat and out of the shuttle, the veermok was shrieking. Hux had just fired his blaster, and Kylo jumped out of the shuttle, lightsaber activated. He sliced through the whole veermok as it was just midair on its way to jump on Hux, who stood there, holding his blaster up.

Kylo had Hux in the shuttle again before the dead veermok hit the ground. He punched the _close_ and deactivated his lightsaber. Hux was sitting on the floor, looking up at Kylo angrily.

“You shouldn’t have pulled me in here with the Force! I wasn’t prepared! I lost the grip on my blaster! Now it’s out there!”

They could hear the other veermoks howling outside, and Kylo looked at the two that jumped up and down the viewport.

“That’s how you thank someone for saving your life?” Kylo asked.

“Well, I saved _yours_ when you bled out on Starkiller, and did you say thank you?” Hux snarled at him and got up. He winced when he straightened out his greatcoat and looked at his right hand. He flicked his wrist and winced again, rubbing over it with his fingers.

He must have landed badly on his wrist when Kylo had pulled him in with the Force. Hux didn’t say anything, though, and got the med kit. Kylo touched his own right shoulder, remembering the pain there. But the veermok hadn’t gotten him this time. He watched as Hux slapped bacta on his wrist. Kylo could see the pollen from the violet flowers on his gloves.

“This was one of the last normal shuttles. Almost every other vehicle that isn’t an emergency shuttle is on-planet to transport all the troopers,” Hux said, sitting down on a seat and looking at his hurt wrist, and then back at Kylo. “Can’t you just revive it with—”

“No, I can’t. That’s not how the Force works,” Kylo snapped, interrupting Hux because he didn’t want to hear the insult again. He hated comparisons to Vader when they were not positive. But when did he ever get a positive one?

“Pathetic,” Hux sneered, and Kylo sighed. He was glad for his helmet. He didn’t want to show his face, since Hux was staring at him.

“Well, aren’t you always bragging about your technical genius? _You_ revive it,” Kylo said. “What was it? Some stupid tracker?”

“How do you know about my hyperdrive tracking system?” Hux’s asked. “It’s not official yet.” He looked suspicious, frowning. 

Kylo stared at him, liking how the mask seemed to unsettle Hux a bit, and then said, “I know everything, General.”

Hux rolled his eyes. “I doubt that. You wouldn’t need a master otherwise.”

He got up from his seat and started to shed his clothes again, down to his breeches and his undershirt.

He kind of knew that this was coming, and still he felt a bit numb again, looking at Hux.

“All right. Let’s do this,” Hux muttered. He did the exact same things, Kylo watched him do….yesterday… just a bit slower and wincing because of his wrist.

“Can you please brood somewhere else? You’re disturbing my concentration.”

“Just fix this,” Kylo muttered and got up to find the exact same care package. When he unpacked the things, Hux looked over his shoulder.

“These are for emergencies only—”

“Spare me, general,” Kylo said and pulled off his helmet. “Do what you do best. Kneeling and presenting your backside.”

He didn’t know where that had come from, but all of this was grating his nerves. And he felt a bit off-balanced, because he’d did different things, or in different order and it just felt weird. Because it was _still_ the same day.

“That is so immature, Ren. You overgrown child,” Hux said, shaking his head. He turned to his work again, but looked over his shoulder every now and then as if he wanted to make sure that Kylo wasn’t staring at his backside.

Kylo didn’t. He ate and drank everything from the care package, tossed it onto the floor next to the pilot who didn’t move. Kylo reached out with the Force, glad that he could do that without effort. Still out cold. Kylo had made him pass out a bit too harshly earlier.

Eh.

He stretched out on the floor then, crossed his hands behind his head, and looked up at the ceiling of the shuttle.

“Comfortable?” Hux asked after a while.

“More so than some other things I’ve slept on,” Kylo said.

He didn’t try to mediate this time.

He just had his eyes half open, listened to Hux’s tinkering, and a few times he tried to reach out to Hux with the Force. He mostly didn’t succeed; just one time, he got a hint of some equations running through Hux’s mind. Seeing this thought alone had bored him so much that he’d fallen asleep, and this time he slept until Hux kicked him against his ribs ungently.

“Rescue is here, you useless creature.”

Kylo grunted and opened his eyes. He wondered why this was the second time he had been able to sleep so well in this damned shuttle, in the middle of the day.

Phasma was knocking at the door and Kylo quickly put on his helmet before Hux opened the door.

He passed everyone just as yesterday, strapped in, and shook his head when he heard the exact same conversation between Phasma and Hux. He stayed mum during the whole trip back to the _Finalizer_.

Hee stepped out into the hangar, and took another route today, going straight to one of the officer’s gyms because he needed to work out, both mentally and physically.

Thankfully, the gym was deserted and Kylo grabbed some clothes that fit him again, put his helmet away, and did the same workout routine as yesterday. He thought about yelling and screaming himself hoarse yesterday, and thought about the rest of that day—that irritating day.

Was this the real day? Did he need to scream into the void again? Was all of this real?

He stopped during some reps and put the weight back up.

Maybe this was just one big nightmare and he was still in the bacta tank, and had never woken up.

No.

That couldn’t be it.

He wouldn’t dream about the same day, over and over again.

That just wasn’t possible.

But _what_ was all of this?

Kylo roared and took one of the weights. He tossed it at the wall and leaned forward to clutch his hair.

Kriff. Shit. Fuck. Kriff.

He shook his head and groaned because his stomach was howling. He took a deep breath when he realized that he was starting to get dizzy. Getting up with a grunt, he left everything like it was, and walked back to the changing rooms to take a sonic and get back into his clothes. He walked to the mess hall that was deserted. Just a few officers sat at a table at a viewport and played with cards.

Kylo walked over to the kitchen droid. It was the exact same menu and Kylo told him to double the blue cheese. He activated his lightsaber when the droid told him that it wasn’t allowed to double the servings. Despite fresh food, it was still rationed.

“Do you see anyone here? All of them are on-planet!” Kylo roared, and held his saber up. The droid seemed to have a few smart circuits because it put three pieces of blue cheese into one bowl and gave it to him. Kylo nodded, deactivated the lightsaber, and walked out of the mess hall with the whole tray.

Hux and other officers passed him on his way back to the quarters. There were lots of officers coming from every corner of the ship, getting food for the official dinnertime.

Kylo almost let his tray fall when he was in the elevator and could feel how his head was doing this weird tuning in and out of voices in his head.

“Not now. Shit,” Kylo groaned. A headache was blooming behind his temples and once he made it out of the elevator and into his quarters, he dropped down onto his knees, pushed the tray away, and clutched his head.

“No, no, no no….”

So many voices. Loud, silent, hammering, too loud, too quiet.

His nose bled again, and he begged the Force to give him a break. He sighed when the voices quieted down, the main beacon being the mess hall.

“Just stop. Let me eat. And rest. Please,” he groaned. He skimmed over the minds and everything was tuned out when he was met with—

_Void._

_Planets to conquer._

_Misty weather._

Kylo got kicked out as soon as Hux noticed him and opened his eyes with a gasp. Everything was quiet again. There was just a faint ringing sound in his ears.

Kylo wiped away the blood from his nose and upper lip after pulling off his helmet and tossing it to the side. He weakly sat up, leaned against the door, and pulled the tray to himself. He only managed half of the food before bone-deep exhaustion came over him. He fell asleep like that, sitting up against the door and snoring lightly.

He dreamed of the first time he consciously used the Force, the school, _that night_ , meeting Hux for the first time, Snoke introducing them.

His eyes snapped open when his alarm went off at 0630 hours.

He blinked, sat up, and turned off the alarm. Looking down at himself he saw that he had his night clothes on, and was lying in his bed, under the covers.

“Please, no….” Kylo muttered. “Please, all of this was just a bad dream…please, please…”

He unlocked the screen on his comm and opened the calendar that had synced with Eriadu Galactic Standard Time.

_Second Month, second day. Centaxday._

Kylo stared at the date for a long, long time.

“Fuck.”


	2. Chapter 2

“You’re late.”

This was the 35th time that Kylo heard that. In a row. Day, after day, after day.

He had lived the same day 35 times now. And every day was the same. Waking up at 630 hours, ignoring Hux’s request for a meeting at breakfast in the morning, then meeting Hux at 1115 hours. Being a few minutes later, according to Hux, even when Kylo once was there at 1110 hours.

“I’m never late, you are early,” Kylo told him. He was tired of this. Tired of always having some variations of the same dialog with Hux. He was tired of living in this nightmare, and tired of the Force either being away completely, or slamming back in so hard, that Kylo was literally left bleeding.

“Such tardiness. I’m sure you were raised in a barn on Chandrila or wherever you’re from.”

That was a new one. It always surprised Kylo how much Hux knew about him. About his past. He always knew how to needle him, because Kylo couldn’t help but feel always hurt when his past was mentioned. The past that he yet hadn’t managed to overcome completely. Maybe never.

“You know what, general?” Kylo suddenly said. “I’m not coming with you.”

Hux looked at him perplexed, and then annoyed. “Excuse me?”

“You’ve heard me.”

Because frankly, Kylo didn’t want to deal with the same day again. And he didn’t want to deal with Hux looking down on him every single of those days, showing that he knew much more about Kylo than the other way around. Kylo couldn’t get out of this, so why should he bother with doing the same boring stuff? Hux could handle himself. Even if he died in that storm, or crash-landed, or whatever, Kylo didn’t give one single fuck. He wouldn’t. And who knew? Maybe Hux’s gruesome death would be the key out of this nightmare?

“You were there when she told us. She wants both of us there. You know, I have better things to do than attending some lavish luncheon, but she’s providing us with many materials, and she wants —”

“Same old, same old,” Kylo said, because it was old news to him. They never even kriffing make it to the luncheon of the senator. Kylo got attacked by stupid veermoks instead, and he was tired. He was tired of having to rely more on his piloting skills than the Force, because he felt like a stupid fledgling that way.

Hux’s face was priceless. He looked like he might burst a vein, and Kylo wondered what would happen then. Would the _Finalizer_ just sail down, crash on Eriadu? This definitely would provide some excitement for Kylo. Because he’d experience something else than dread and monotony for once.

“I cannot believe you said that. How can you be so irresponsible? This is beyond me.”

“Your mind is just so tiny, it can’t grasp all of my intentions,” Kylo replied. It was the answer of a 10-year-old, he knew. But Hux’s face fell now. The pilot interrupted them, looking out of the shuttle.

“Sir, we’re already behind schedule.”

“Yes, fine,” Hux said. He straightened, and walked up the small boarding ramp. Kylo watched him go, and smirked when Hux turned around with a dramatic _whoosh_ of his greatcoat. “You’re so childish. I don’t want to put up with you anymore. The galaxy would be a better place without you.”

“But with you it is?” Kylo shot back. “What a _difference_ you made. Blowing up billions of people for nothing. Still a general, without anything to hold onto. Barely in Supreme Leader’s good graces, barely holding on, not knowing if the next day will be your last.”

Hux’s nose twitched. “Careful, Ren,” he said. “You’re projecting.” He punched the button and the ramp closed. Kylo didn’t wait for the shuttle to take off. He just left the hangar and stalked to the bridge. As soon as he showed up there, everyone there tensed and Kylo almost stumbled because all of their emotions and surface thoughts punched into his head without any filter.

Not again.

The noise wasn't just loud, it was chaotic, and it got worse as he waltzed over the bridge to the big viewport.Mitaka was saying something to him, but Kylo ignored him, because he just couldn’t hear him. He stared out of the viewport, concentrating on an astromech that zoomed past, hitching a ride on a bigger droid.

_What is he doing here?_

_I’m uncomfortable when he’s on board, and the general isn’t._

_Weren’t they supposed to travel down to Eriadu together?_

_Did he betray the general?_

_Shame._

_Shame._

_SHAME ON HIM._

Kylo snapped out of the bundle of harassing thoughts and was in his own head again. He blinked, realized he’d actually snapped his head back to get out of the other heads, and was highly aware how everyone was looking at him while not looking at him. He never liked it on the bridge. Especially without Hux. Because he could admit to himself that he just wasn’t a military mastermind. He _could_ lead people, yes, his knights in particular.

His knights.

His _knights_.

Kylo turned on the spot, said to Mitaka, “Keep the general’s shuttle on your screens. There’s a storm coming.” And left the bridge as quickly has he’d entered it.

As he urgently walked through the _Finalizer_ , officers avoiding his gaze in the passageways, he wanted to punch himself. Why didn’t he think of this earlier? He hadn’t seen them in a while, they were on different missions, on loan to Snoke, but group meditation could bring a solution. He dropped his helmet as soon as he was in his quarters and knelt on the floor, his hands on his knees. He closed his eyes and took a deep, deep breath.

It was only after he got nothing but static, that he remembered that the Force was a foe right now, not a friend, and he couldn’t even reach out into the void for _normal_ meditation.

“Please,” he heard himself say. “I need to speak to them. I need to speak to _somebody_. Don’t you see that this is driving me insane?”

He couldn’t just take his comm to reach them. Comms were never allowed on Snoke’s missions. The risk of compromise had to be at bay. 

“Come on,” Kylo muttered, starting to sweat because he was straining his whole body. He frowned, eyes still closed. “Come on, come on. Give me something, give me —”

_What is the meaning of this? Bring us down safely. Are you a pilot at all?_

Kylo couldn’t even pull away. Not like he did on the bridge. His mind was glued to the razor-sharp voice of Hux, yelling at the pilot. Kylo’s mind was latching onto Hux’s panic, eating it right up.

_This is all your fault, Ren._

Hux was too distracted to notice that Kylo was right there, as Hux got slightly nauseous because the shuttle was tumbling, spinning and falling like a stone. Kylo had witnessed this 35 times now, but it somehow seemed a lot more terrifying from Hux’s perspective.

_I am not dying yet. The galaxy is not in order yet. I’m notimnoimnotimnot_

Kylo was suddenly aware of other surroundings in the shuttle, the panic of the pilot, the shuttle itself, it was as if he was right in there with them. He felt every vibration, every blow the storm gave them, he had a grip on the shuttle —

Kylo jerked out of unconsciousness.

“What the?”

He lay flat on the ground, could feel and taste blood from his nose on his lips. He slowly sat up, wincing when his bones felt like they had to rearrange themselves in the process. What happened? He had just been trying to meditate, then somehow had latched onto Hux who had been stumbling in Eriadu’s atmosphere, and then nothing. He looked down at his chrono tiredly and was irritated to see that the chrono showed almost 1400 hours. How long had he been passed out? Did he have such time lapses now? Additionally, to repeating the same fucking day?

Fuck, he didn’t want to deal.

He shook his head and dragged himself up, sitting down onto the bed heavily. He leaned forward, his forearms on his thighs.

“Why?” He asked into the room. Nothing and nobody answered. The only thing he could hear were the occasional sounds of people passing his quarters. He could hear them. Not feel them. He couldn’t feel anything at all.

Well. He could feel how his stomach was rumbling. Kylo touched his stomach and winced because his arm brushed the deep wound from the bowcaster. It still hurt. He tried not to think about the _how_ it happened.

_See, you don’t mess with a wookie. Look at uncle Chewie’s bowcaster —_

Kylo got up and walked out of his quarters, sans helmet. He walked to the mess hall, realizing that some of the staff were looking rather harried. When he tried to tune in on them, it was like with one of those old radios that his — Han Solo — always liked to play with. He’d even had a big collection back… at his house. Had always turned the knob back and forth, voices tuning in and out. It had always brought a headache to … Ben.

Just like Kylo now had a headache. So, after one try he didn’t start again, because there was a pain blooming behind his temple. He felt exhausted, drained, parched. The mess hall was sparsely filled and Kylo walked over to the droid. The same one as yesterday. And the day before. And the day before _that_. Kylo was sure, if this continued like this, he would surely lose count one day. Kylo took some of the oranges which were starting to bore him, because he ate them every day now, and walked to a table in front of a big viewport. He sat down, rubbing his temple and his skin started to tingle when he began peeling the fruit. He turned his head, looked out and could make out the shuttle under Phasma’s command.

Oh right.

This had been the first day where he hadn’t joined Hux for this never-ending trip that always ended in the jungle. Now, he suddenly realized why the personnel seemed so nervous. His stomach did a funny thing, and he didn’t manage to swallow down the slice of orange. Instead, he left the already peeled one on his tray, took the other one, and kept it in his hand while walking out again. He reached the hangar just as the medical staff stepped away from Hux because he ordered them to _step back, at once, I’m fine._

Kylo leaned against a wall and watched Hux walk away from the shuttle aggressively. He was limping a bit and holding his left elbow. Kylo could see how they carried the pilot out of the shuttle. He was limp, and every Force signature suddenly tuned in when Hux came closer, Phasma behind him, and Kylo realized the pilot was dead.

That was a new one.

The past weeks, when Kylo had lived this dreadful day again and again, the pilot had always made it, just a bit beaten and bruised from Kylo’s handling of him.

“It was annoying,” Hux was saying. “The veermoks went crazy because they could smell his blood. I wanted to get rid of him, but that would have meant opening the shuttle door. There must have been a leak somewhere, or they wouldn’t have been able to smell his blood.”

Mitaka suddenly materialized out of nowhere.

“Sir are you all right?”

“I’m fine, Lieutenant,” Hux said impatiently. “Clear my schedule tonight; I want to look at the shuttle as soon as it’s salvaged. Top priority. I want that busted shuttle here.” Hux stopped short when they were about to pass Kylo. Kylo tipped his head and Hux looked furious. Kylo could feel his anger. And a bit of disappointment.

Huh?

“Ren,” Hux spat. “I hope you’re happy. Did you know the ship was sabotaged? Wanted to get rid of me? I would have thought that an attempt on my life would have more finesse.”

Kylo was amused.

“Trust me, if I wanted you dead, you’d long be. I wouldn’t even bother with finesse, just —” He raised his hand and made a snapping motion with his hand, indicating that he could break Hux’s neck with the Force. “Unfortunately, Supreme Leader thinks you’re useful, even after your precious project blew up.”

That was a lie. He had no idea how Supreme Leader thought of Hux. Supreme Leader hadn’t talked much to him, and whenever they talked before the Resistance had gotten onto the base, it had always been about Kylo, Kylo’s failure, and how Ben Solo’s family was ruining everything. And he doubted that Supreme Leader deemed Hux worthy enough to be executed by his student. If he died, it would be a public execution to show the First Order who was the actual leader. Hux liked to believe that he was on the way to this position.

Laughable.

Hux scrunched up his nose and now he was oozing annoyance again. Kylo shrugged, wondered what he was doing here anyway, and turned around, leaving quickly so _he_ would leave Hux, and not the other way around.

Instead of returning to his quarters, he walked to the nearest gym. The feeling of _annoyance_ was still lingering in his mind, so when he swiped his hand through the air, every single person in the gym was propelled away, against the walls. But this rush of power died down as soon as he’d actually done this, and he sighed when he had this fizzling-out feeling again. “Leave,” he told the groaning officers who got up from the floor and hurried away. He stood in the middle of the gym, doing nothing at all, just staring out of the viewport where due to the solar flares nothing was happening. He could see a few tools floating around and a droid strapped to the _Finalizer_ collecting them dutifully.

Kylo didn't get down onto a mat or go to the weight room. He just stood there, staring out. Breathing in, breathing out. He tentatively reached out with the Force after a while, managing to skim the minds that passed the gym, but it abruptly stopped when he reached the end of the passageway. He groaned in frustration and opened his eyes. Now, he had the motivation to work himself to exhaustion with the weights. It was fruitless on the long haul, because he _had_ worked out quite a lot the past days, but since everything was resetting, his body also always went into the reset, so the steady training of muscles was futile. But in these moments, it was always helpful to make his mind go blank, and lead his spinning thoughts away from … _this_. All of this.

He didn’t realize that he wasn’t staring into the void this time, while panting and working the weights with his arms. No, he only realized that his mind had wandered when he was suddenly met with:

_The audacity, as if I crashed this ship on purpose to get out of this luncheon. It’s just a laughable excuse to fuck Ren anyway —_

Kylo’s mind snapped back, surprised. He didn’t know that Hux knew such words. And he was surprised that he said those worse in combination with….Kylo. His stomach lurched a bit, and he stopped pushing the weights because he realized Hux had been thinking that in combination with Kynnie.

Kynnie?

Hux really thought Kynnie wanted to…?

 _Force_ , Hux was ridiculous.

Kylo shook his head and continued working out. This time his mind didn’t wander and he didn’t try to reach out with the Force. He concentrated on his pushes, one, two, three, four, five, pause, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, pause,…one, two, three, four, five…

His mind wandered again, tracing the ship. He could feel the presence of all the minds on board, but couldn’t dive in, couldn’t read their surface thoughts.

He wondered why he even bothered, but he always unconsciously reached out with his mind. It was just what he did. Since the beginning, since he could remember. Always reaching out, always tentatively trying to read moods with the Force because he was socially awkward and had preferred to hide behind his — no — because Ben had liked to hide behind the legs of his parents.

He let go of the weights when he got that thought and snarled. The Force had been the root of his problems to begin with. Force, Jedi, Sith. None of this should matter.

Kylo shook his head and got up from the seat. Instead of showering here, he walked back to his quarters and by the the time he reached them he was shivering. He realized he usually used the Force to not feel the cold of space.

The sonic didn’t seem to help much, and he yearned for a hot shower. He lay down in his bed naked, stomach howling. Instead of getting dressed again and doing the right thing and getting something to eat, he just stayed in bed and stared at his chrono while listening to what was happening outside. He didn’t try to reach out with the Force. It was the first time he tried to stay up until the new cycle on the ship began, but it felt like only a blink and suddenly his alarm went off at 6.

“What the?” Kylo muttered. He was clothed. Under his blanket. He could remember trying to stay awake and hoping to reach the _next_ cycle.

It turned out he was being knocked out. No kriffing chance to actually see or feel how everything reverted back.

Maybe he was dead. Maybe he died when the scavenger sliced him open in the snow and this was the special afterlife reserved for patricide.

He groaned, rolled around in his bed and pressed his forehead against the cool material of the viewport. He breathed in slowly, breathed out, feeling new energy that allowed his mind to wander, and he could feel the busy minds of the morning shift, actually recognized many of their thoughts because he already heard them.

_…don’t like Eriadu…_

_..wonder if Supreme Leader sanctioned this…_

_...the General will fix this…._

_…hope General Hux makes it happen…_

_…my friends are dead, they’re dead, don’t cry, don’t scream…Starkiller should be remembered positively…_

It was surprising how many minds, especially the ones from the officers, were revolving around Hux. This smug bastard would bask in it if he knew. Kylo would never let him know, of course.

_…probably won’t be there on time. He’s always, always late. I can’t believe I have to go to this idiotic luncheon just so Kynnie can stroke her ego and fuck Ren in some cupboard…_

Kylo sat up in his bed and shook his head. Hux’s voice had faded in an out like a radio. He hadn’t even actively searched for his mind.

“You’re thinking an awful lot about me, General,” he muttered.

He shook his head again, gripping his hair and tugging a bit. Taking a deep breath, he did his morning routine, not bothering with the button for water anymore and at 7:30 in the morning, he stepped into the mess hall. He never had been here so early on this day and he wasn’t surprised to see that Hux was sitting here.

Hux who was eating his usual unidentifiable mash and who had no idea that they were living this day again and again, and who didn’t have any visible injuries from _yesterday_.

“You’re early,” Hux said, masking his surprise by taking a bit from the slime he was eating. Kylo wondered if he ever had a real breakfast, maybe some nice Corellian bacon, complete with an old Alderaanian hash brown recipe. He sat down opposite of Hux, feeling better because now that he was early, he wouldn’t have the same dialog with Hux again. It was tiring hearing the same words over and over again. Not accompanying Hux yesterday had been a nice change.

“Are you going to complain now? Did I interrupt some morning meditation?”

“I hardly can get anything done when you’re in my close proximity. Hearing you breathe alone raises my hackles and disturbs my concentration,” Hux told him and the corners of Kylo’s mouth lifted.

“Careful, Hux,” he said. “Or your day won’t be as successful as you might think.”

“Is that a threat, Ren?”

“Just a gentle reminder that you need me.”

“You’re delusional, Ren.”

Kylo didn’t like this. He didn’t like that Hux thought he could actually get things done without him. If he were capable of his real powers right now, he’d smash Hux against the next best viewport. Didn’t Hux have any idea that he’d be much worse if not for Kylo?

No.

He actually didn’t.

Because Kylo was the only poor soul who remembered that they were living the same day over and over again.

“Well,” Kylo said, feeling a bit cranky. “I hope you know how to pilot a plane then. I’m not going to help you, even if you cry out for help.”

Hux looked at him like Kylo lost his mind. There was this annoyance again and Kylo felt the Force surge through him. It pressed Hux a bit back, making Hux’s eyebrows rise.

“You can do your trip to Kynnie alone. You say you don’t need me? Fine. I don’t need you or this trip either.”

“Ren, what —”

“Better read up on veermoks, general,” Kylo said and stalked out of the mess hall.

This time, he didn’t try to meditate, not wanting to be sucked into the shuttle and to Hux when it was the shuttle’s time to leave. Still, he looked up from his datapad where he’d downloaded a few mindless games from the Eriadu holonet servers, because he could feel the Force tingling a bit . A look at his Chrono told him that this was the point of time when the pilot lost the control over the ship. Kylo actually didn't want to tune in, because Hux could go and fuck himself but Hux's panic in the cockpit was like a beacon. Kylo was drawn in, and couldn't snap out when Hux's voice hit him. Crystal clear.

_What is the meaning of this? Bring us down safely. Are you a pilot at all?_

Kylo shook his head.

“Again?” He asked. “Why are you always bringing me back to him? Let him die there for all that I care. We all wake up intact tomorrow anyways.”

Or would they? Would he? He never wondered about that possibility.

_This is all your fault, Ren._

Again, Kylo was surprised that in moments of panic Hux would blame this on him. How could this be Kylo's fault if he wasn't even there? Stupid Hux.

_I am not dying yet. The galaxy is not in order yet. I’m notimnoimnotimnot–_

“I'm not going to pass out over this again,” Kylo snapped. It took all of his mental strength to detach from Hux's panicked thoughts. His head snapped forward because he had physically moved and he squeezed his eyes together when he could feel being drawn back to the trundling shuttle. “Fuck off.”

A headache started to bloom behind his temples again and he could feel the dizziness and how darkness threatened to swallow him again.

_An emperor does not die like that, kriff…_

Kylo felt a small triumph when he could hear that treacherous thought but it was that short moment of distraction that made him lose the active grasp on the Force and he went right back in, feeling Hux's panic as it was his own. He automatically did everything to prevent the shuttle from crashing and passed out again.

He woke up at 1400 hours again and groaned. Everything hurt and he rubbed the dried blood from his face. Why couldn’t he escape this? Why was he always being drawn back to this moment in the shuttle? Why did he have to rescue the General everytime? Kylo couldn’t care less about him. Instead of always being in that shuttle, physically or non-physically, he should work on how to get out of this ever-repeating circle. But something wanted him to take care of this first. 

It just didn’t make any sense to him.

His stomach was howling, his head pounding, but Kylo stayed where he was. He didn’t even get up to completely scrub off the blood from his face. He just lay there, not moving and staring into nothing. He knew the exact moment Phasma’s shuttle docked in the hangar. Not because he could feel something, but because he could faintly hear Mitaka over the speaker system.

_”Medical, please report to the hangar.”_

So Hux was injured again. 

Kylo closed his eyes, rolled himself into a ball as much as possible and some of the stress seeped out of him, but he felt even more exhausted. Angry. And hungry. But he ignored it and must have fallen asleep again because he startled out of a slumber when there was a knock at his door.

“Open up, Ren, or I am using the manual override,” came Hux’s voice from the outside. Kylo sat up and winced because all of his bones seemed to pop and his muscles groaned. He realized that half of his body had fallen asleep and now the tingling sensation spread there. 

“You can’t access my quarters,” Kylo said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat and said with a better voice: “Even your code doesn’t stand a chance against the Force.”

If he _had_ the Force at the moment, but Hux didn’t know that. There was hesitation behind the door and before Hux could tell that Kylo was absolutely _useless_ at the moment, Kylo made his way to the door and opened it. He leaned against the doorframe. Officially to look intimidating, unofficially, because the blood flowing back into the numb half of his body was almost unbearable and he could only stand up like that.

“What is it?” He asked, looking at Hux who had his arm in a sling and seemed to hate it. Kylo could guess that he didn’t want to look weak in front of others and having his arm in a sling showed everyone here that the general was not untouchable.

Hux sneered at him. He clearly waited for being invited inside, which didn’t happen, and because Hux wasn’t Kylo, he didn’t outright step into Kylo’s quarters without hisinvitation. Two troopers passed them and the bit of neck Kylo could see above Hux’s collar turned red as the troopers passed them, definitely noticing Hux’s injury. Kylo didn’t have it in him to try and skim their thoughts right now to prove his suspicion. 

“You wanted to kill me, didn’t you?” Hux asked. “What a poor attempt on my life, Ren. I expected more from you. And what’s up with your face? Blood doesn’t suit you.”

Kylo sighed, rubbing over the dried blood on his upper lip again. The talk yesterday had been just as irritating. He didn’t know why Hux was so paranoid and thought that he was important enough to be on Kylo’s kill list. 

“Why would you think that?” Kylo asked.

Hux huffed. “You refuse to board the shuttle with me and I end up with a crash, angry veermoks, a broken arm and a dead pilot.”

“If the pilot’s dead, it’s probably your own program that has failed you. I did not try to kill you. I just want to avoid being close to you. I have better things to do than going to some luncheon with you.”

There was nothing at first, and then a rush of disappointment that it almost knocked Kylo off his feet. Hux’s face betrayed nothing though.

“You agreed yesterday. For the sake of the Order. You know we need to play good with her. This is important or we'll never make the jump to the _Supremacy_.”

Kylo had the feeling he’d never see Snoke’s fortress ship again. Or his master himself. 

“Well, you’re a nuisance and I just wasn’t in the mood today.”

Hux didn’t like this answer and Kylo actually felt Hux’s urge to just backhand him. 

It was amusing.

“Do you know how humiliating it was to listen to Kynnie’s message after we didn’t show up? If we lose Eriadu as an important contract partner, it’s your fault, Ren,” Hux said and Kylo shrugged. 

“I don’t give a —”

“Can you _not_ speak so vulgar?”

“Touchy?” Kylo asked.

Hux touched his left elbow. “Forget it,” Hux said. “I have to go to the hangar now and inspect the shuttle.”

“Did it ever occur to you that your pilot was just incapable and didn’t know how to steer through the infamous winds of Eriadu?”

“Oh, leave it, Ren. My system works perfectly.”

“Of course. That’s why we don’t have Starkiller anymore.” 

It was lovely to see how Hux winced. Kylo expected more fight from him and suddenly realized the exhaustion he felt wasn’t his own but projected by Hux. He didn’t know what prompted him to say that, and he highly regretted it a nano second after he said: “Why is your arm in a sling anyway? A few hours of bacta should do that. You want to do an inspection with only one arm?”

"I don't need my arm to inspect the shuttle, Ren,"Hux scoffed.

“You’re a good mechanic, aren’t you?”

And that was when he saw an emotion he hadn’t seen on Hux’s face before.

Surprise.

“How would you know?” Hux asked and Kylo realized that he’d only seen Hux do actual work that didn’t have anything to do with paperwork in that damned shuttle after it crashed. 

“I heard some officers talk about it,” Kylo quickly said and Hux looked _pleased_.

“Well, I do have an engineering degree,” Hux said and Kylo crossed his arms.

“You think that I give a shit,” he said in a monotone voice and Hux’s right eyebrow twitched. He raised his uninjured arm and stuck out his index finger. Kylo could hear the leather of his leather gloves creaking. 

“You’re such a child with zero manners,” Hux said and Kylo snorted.

“Good night, general. Go and play with the sabotaged shuttle.”

“So, you _admit_...”

The rest of Hux’s sentence got cut off by Kylo stepping back and having the door sliding closed again. There was a big rush of _annoyance_ from the other side of the door, and Kylo followed Hux’s Force signature until Hux was in the elevator that brought him to the hangar. Reading Hux’s signature was almost forcefully cut off as soon as the elevator doors closed. Kylo walked back to his bed and sat down. He groaned, put his face into his hands and took a deep breath. 

Apparently _not_ joining Hux for this crash ride always resulted in arguments that exhausted Kylo more than his injuries or his fight with the Force. 

He held his stomach because it was almost hurting with hunger now, but he ignored it again, and got up to hit the sonic. While the sonic got rid of the sweat and the blood in his face, Kylo stared at the _water_ button gloomily. 

After the sonic he just retreated back to his bed and stared out of the viewport until he fell asleep again…

Only to wake up again at 0600 hours.

* * *

It didn’t matter what he decided to do. 

Boarding the shuttle with Hux ended up with being bitten by a veermok, Hux being his usual annoying self, and a dreadful rest of the cycle on the _Finalizer_.

 _Not_ boarding the shuttle with Hux always ended up with Kylo passing out because the pull of Hux’s panic was too strong and he had to stop Hux from dying because he did not want to feel that. 

This must be the cruel underworld, the horrible afterlife he deserved, he concluded on day 86. Why else wouldn’t he be able to use the Force properly and why would Hux be there?

Countless arguments with Hux that always sounded the same, albeit Hux had a great repertoire of words to insult Kylo’s apparent incompetence and lack of pride for the order. It really was starting to grate on Kylo’s nerves. 

He felt like he’d heard those words over and over again his whole life.

_Useless, bothersome, a waste of space._

Usually, he only had to deal with Hux every few cycles. 

But having to deal with this annoyance and ignorance every day (at least for him) was making his mood even worse than it already was.

He finally did something else on that day because he couldn’t believe that he was stuck for so long now. He had gone to the breakfast with Hux, had listened to the words Hux usually had reserved for him, but since it was a day he had needled Hux a bit more than on other days, and Hux had insulted his _heritage_ of all things, Kylo had gotten up from the table and left the mess hall.

Not to go and sulk in his quarters, but to walk to the hangar. 

He punched an officer in the chest when the man dared to say that the shuttle Kylo wanted to board was reserved for the general’s scheduled visit to Eriadu and he hated that physically assaulting someone wasn’t as satisfying as choking someone with the Force. Or throwing them around with it. 

Nevertheless, it was rather freeing to leave the hangar in the shuttle, course set on Eriadu City. 

He couldn’t believe he didn’t think of this earlier. Just leave the ship and do things on the actual planet. 

Kylo leaned over the console to look through the viewport. Eriadu really was full of mountains and jungles. But Eriadu City was pretty big, nestled between mountain plateaus and the jungle that Kylo knew had the nastiest veermoks. He looked away from the planet when a holo plopped up. He stared at Hux who looked royally pissed off and Kylo wondered how quickly he’d gotten up from having breakfast into his office to do this transmission.

 _”Ren,”_ Hux said, his arms behind his back and one strand of hair almost loose from its confines. Kylo watched it in fascination. And as if Hux knew exactly where Kylo was looking at, he raised his gloved hand to put it back in place. “ _What do you think you are doing? You know this shuttle has been reserved for later. What’s your mission?_ ”

Kylo leaned back into the pilot’s seat. 

“My mission is to have fun, general,” he said. 

“ _You must be joking._ ”

“I’d never dare to try joke with you, general. You always take my jokes seriously and are not appreciating my humor at all.”

“ _You’re not as witty as you might think. Come back at once._ ”

“No, I think we have to cancel Senator Kynnie,” Kylo said. It didn’t have any consequences anyway. He could do whatever he wanted. He could blow up this whole planet, and he would wake up tomorrow at 0600 hours, as if nothing ever happened.

“ _You cannot do this, Ren. This is highly inappropriate. What do you think I should tell her? That the person she’s explicitly invited prefers a joy ride instead of going to her luncheon?_ ”

“Yeah, why not? Or you can say nothing at all. Because tomorrow, nobody will give a shit about it,” Kylo offered an alternative. Hux frowned. 

“ _Will you ever learn responsibility, Ren? You are such a disgrace. You should have gone down with Starkiller. Maybe Supreme Leader would have given word by now._ ”

Kylo turned off the holorecorder. Or rather, punched the button so hard that it got stuck in the console. Kylo snarled at it and crossed his arms. Hux had no idea. He had _no_ idea what it was like to feel he was a failure since day one, and even more since being trapped in the same day over and over again. He saw that there was another transmission trying to get through, but he wouldn’t have been able to look at it with the broken button anyway now. He turned off autopilot, strapped in, and steered the shuttle manually. Piloting without the Force wasn’t even scary anymore. Now it only seemed to come out when he was sitting in the crashing shuttle with Hux and the pilot. It was always Hux’s panic that he felt the most urgently and that made him manage to land the shuttle in that Force forsaken jungle. 

The shuttle rattled a bit because Kylo did a too-sharp turn. It was so much easier to pilot than the Fa— than other shuttles he’d piloted before. Kylo was a good pilot. But only _great_ when he had the Force to help him out. At least that was what he always told himself.

_No, Ben. Don’t use the Force. Trust your instincts. Come on, this old lady survived tons of rough piloting, no Ben, no….fine._

It didn’t take long until the tower of the Eriadu City Fifth District spaceport asked for his identification and purpose of being here. If he had the Force, he could reach out all the way over there and block their minds. Like this, he had to crane his neck to read the serial number of the shuttle.

“This is a First Order transport with a T-4a shuttle, number FO-22.2.18.”

There was a short pause and then the tower replied, “Confirmed. Transportation Shuttle from the _Finalizer_. Please use hangar 10, gate 89.”

Kylo didn’t say anything, just steered over there and wondered why he was following the rules here. He should have just passed Eriadu City and jumped to one of the plateaus. To meditate. Think. Just breathe air that wasn’t recycled. 

He followed the lights to hangar 10 and for a moment he wondered what would happen if he’d just jump into hyperspace and crash the thing. Would he be out of this, or would he wake up at 0600 hours on day 87? His hand hovered over the lever for hyperspace. He looked at his hand, the lever, and back through the viewport. He was distracted by another shuttle ignoring Kylo’s right of way, and his small thought about crashing vanished by throwing a rude gesture into the direction of the other pilot. Were he with the Force, he’d have crushed the shuttle.

So _frustrating_.

Kylo docked and walked out; there was an employee of the port waiting for him. Kylo glared at him. The man faltered but approached him. “I received an order from the _Finalizer_ to request that this shuttle returns.”

“And who told you that?” Kylo asked, towering over the man and hating that he hadn’t put on his mask. Though quite frankly, he hadn’t put on his mask since day 20 because it didn’t matter. Nothing did anymore.

The answer of the employee was to hold up a portable holorecorder and as soon as it started playing, showing Hux looking angry and giving orders to send the shuttle back, or else whoever watched this would be crushed by the First Order, a burst of rage went through Kylo and he raised his hand. The recorder broke into two pieces. 

“Do you know who I am?” Kylo asked the man in a low voice and was satisfied when he was able to Force choke him. “Don’t you _dare_ giving me orders.”

The man tried to speak but he couldn’t; his face turned red. Kylo would have killed him, but the Force fizzled out again and the man dropped to the ground when Kylo lost his grip on him. He coughed and stared up at Kylo in fear.

“Nobody gives Kylo Ren orders,” Kylo said. The man scrambled away from him and Kylo pulled up his hood and left the spaceport. He soon realized that he ended up in the shopping district and just pulled the hood closer over his face when the street vendors and shop employees got a bit too intrusive. He finally felt able to breathe again when he made it to a small alley, away from the bustling. There was a spice trade going on in here but Kylo ignored the traders, so they ignored him. 

He walked around aimlessly for a few hours, really enjoying being off-ship for a while. hen he stepped into an elevator of a big business-and-shopping tower and went to the observation deck, he took a few deep breaths of air cleaner than he had breathed in a while. He’d liked the fresh, clean air of Starkiller, but hadn’t felt it often back there, because he’d worn his mask most of the time. 

He was now used to the filtered and recycled air of the _Finalizer_. It was also somewhat refreshing that nobody cowered away in fear or diverted their gazes when he was close. Sure, his outfit still got some looks, but it really was… freeing.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, but long enough for his comm to chime. He didn’t need to look at it to know who was comming him. It was always the same needling and nagging person. He let it ring, but eventually he had to turn it off. There was no way Hux was interrupting his peaceful time here. He imagined Hux being frustrated a few kilometers above him and actually smiled. 

His body tingled with the Force and he used it to skim across the minds of everyone around here. Everyone was having relaxing thoughts which relaxed him even further. He lost the grip after being lost in thoughts again and a familiar feeling returned to Kylo.

Hunger.

He sighed, left the observation deck and studied the offer of the tower. He looked at the _Chandrilan specialities_ for a good five minutes, until he finally thought that this wouldn’t hurt anybody. Tomorrow would be the same day, and nobody, especially not his master, would know how Kylo had had a weak moment and craved the food that tasted like _home_.

Half an hour later, he sat at a table in a small restaurant, and looked at the array of food laid out in front of him. 

It smelled like old memories and Kylo didn’t fight them this time. He just dug in, eating slowly and relishing the taste. Food like this was one of his earliest memories and he actually sighed when he swallowed the first bite. As much as he’d been happy about the oranges on the ship, eating the same food or 86 days wasn’t very fun and it was one of the reasons he sometimes didn’t leave his quarters to eat at all.

He was absolutely stuffed when he was done with the dessert and leaned back in his chair, staring down at the empty plates and bowls. It had been such a long time since he had eaten what he wanted and how much he wanted. He really couldn’t remember the last time he had been able to do this. It must have been right before...before going into Skywalker’s school.

He blinked, shook his head, and got up from the table, suddenly feeling haunted by those memories. He really should push them away into the far back of his mind. Indulgences like these were not healthy. He almost started when a waiter standing at the door asked him with a pleasant smile if he wanted to pay now.

Oh, right.

He didn’t even try to tell her with the Force that he already paid. With his grasp on the Force, he’d probably break her brain. Not that it should matter.

He cleared his throat, rummaged in the pockets of his clothes and managed to find a credit chip. He had no idea how much was on it. It must have been a leftover from an old mission. She continued smiling and scanned the chip. 

“Thank you,” she said after several seconds. “We hope to see you again soon.”

Kylo walked to the elevator and looked down at his feet as the elevator stopped at various floors, getting fuller and fuller with people. 

“You look like you need some _relaxation_ ,” someone said directly next to him and Kylo _hated_ how startled he was because he didn’t feel their approach. He looked up at the Twi’lek who had spoken to him. She had seductive clothes on and held flimsi flyers in her hands that advertised a _special spa_ on the 52nd floor of this tower. 

“No,” Kylo said, straightening up in the hopes to look intimidating.

“We have a lovely spa. Not only massages of all kinds, but also a nice pool. Hot tubs. Or you can rent a whole refresher for a long wash after an endless journey through the galaxy.”

Kylo hated himself for looking up when she promised nice, hot water. 

_Force_ , he’d longed for a nice hot shower for so long now. 

She seemed to catch on his weak moment, and pushed a flyer into his hands. She told him her name. “If you request me, they’ll give you 10% off, sweet stuff.”

The elevator reached the ground floor. “I’ll see you later,” she said and as Kylo held the flimsi in his hands, he walked out and wondered if he really should go to a pleasure spa just to get a good hot shower. He was just about to discard it because the thought made him uncomfortable, when his Force suddenly snapped back into place. Before he could register it fully, Hux stepped in front of him.

“Ren.”

He held his datapad in his hands and looked angry and exasperated.

Kylo stopped short and the people who walked out of the elevator after him bumped into his shoulders and back, some of them even muttering angrily because Kylo had blocked the way.

“How did you find me?” Kylo asked, suspicious.

Hux smirked and tucked the datapad into the small bag he had around his shoulders. “Just like I found you on Starkiller. I just followed the smell of failure.”

Kylo glared at him and tried to get a read on Hux. The feedback was a steady hum of _Finally. He made me look for him like an idiot. Luncheon. Kynnie. I hate this._

He must have been as sensitive as a brick in a viewport because he was propelled out of Hux’s head immediately and Hux tugged on his uniform. Kylo realized he had his parade uniform on. It wasn’t much different from his usual one. Kylo couldn’t pinpoint it but it just looked more polished and it couldn’t just be the few medals for great achievements in the First Order he’d pinned on it . It also couldn’t be the general’s stripes that were golden on this one. Maybe it was that Hux was carrying himself even straighter in it. 

“Dolled up for Kynnie, did you?”

Hux pressed his lips together and had the audacity to grab Kylo by his sleeve. Kylo shook him off and managed to make him stumble away with the Force.

“Come on,” Hux said. “If we hurry, we’ll make it in time.”

“Did you make Phasma fly you down here?” Kylo asked, amused, and didn’t move an inch. Hux tapped on the floor with his foot impatiently. 

“As a matter of fact, yes. I took her shuttle, but piloted it myself.”

Kylo snorted. “Well, your attempts in getting me into that luncheon are fruitless. I’m not coming with you. You can go alone. I’m not done here.”

It was a lie. He had no idea what to do next. 

“Oh no, you’re coming with me, Ren. Stop it already with this childish behavior. Your have responsibilities,” Hux snarled and tried to grab him again as if Kylo was an insolent child. Kylo kept him away with the Force, glad that it seemed to be working at the moment. Albeit a bit weakly. 

He remembered the piece of flimsi in his hand and looked down at it. 

“No, I’m here to relax.”

“You’re what?” Hux asked. “That… _what?_ I am not letting you go. You’re not leaving. You’re coming with me!”

“Not letting me go? You’re such a romantic, general,” Kylo said and walked back into the elevator. He managed to tug Hux along with the Force.

“Stop this at once,” Hux hissed. 

Kylo grinned. Riling Hux up was always amusing. Somehow it hadn’t been possible the past weeks, trapped in this dreadful day. But now he realized he could do whatever he wanted. Apparently there weren’t any consequences. And if he could drag Hux along just for cruel fun, he _would_. Hux would forget it anyway.

“Come on, general,” Kylo said, forcing the doors of the elevator closed, literally. “You could use a massage.”

“What has gotten into you? Are you insane?”

“Most probably,” Kylo said and typed 52 into the console.

Finally a _different_ version of the same day. And the Force was flowing too.

Maybe he’d get out of this mess if he actually felt content.

*

**Author's Note:**

> Come and find me on [tumblr](http://minzimpression.tumblr.com)!


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